The Vacuum

I have two dogs… a big ole yellow lab and a tiny little chihuahua. They are both absolutely TERRIFIED by the vacuum cleaner. They run off to another room, scoot under the bed, cower in the closet and just shiver with fright. I kinda think it is funny, and I have many times thought you big baby… it is ONLY a vacuum it will not hurt you! It is a good thing… it cleans up all the hair you shed! lol
I wish that I would make them understand.
I recently had a lot of dental work done, and I have more to do. Some of it was not avoidable, some of it was made worse because I put off going to the dentist for too long.
When I was 8 I was running in the back yard and tripped and fell against the metal swing set pole and broke all the front permanent teeth. I spent a LOT of time at the dentist when I was a little girl and I developed a VERY strong fear and dislike for the dentist. Just the thought would freak me out.

Now I am in the dentist a lot again… now this stuff is painful I am not going to even pretend it isn’t but the fear of it got out of hand for me over the years. I am not excited about going, but I don’t break out in a sweat. The fear make it worse than it would have been had I faced my fears years ago.
In so many ways the dentist was my “vacuum”. People could tell me that it wasn’t that bad, you could tell me that it is a good thing for me… on and on and yet I was STILL under the bed cowering…¬†
I just started to think about how many other things that I fear are really only a “vacuum” when it comes down to it. I am thinking about the things that I fear and examining the reasons why.
Fear is a normal and even a healthy thing in many cases. The trick is to learn which is real and which is just a vacuum

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Loving yourself

It’s kinda funny… I can not tell you how many times today I have seen “love yourself” in one phrasing or another. It has come from friends, both knowingly to me on purpose and from friends that made a general statement. I have seen it on a couple of those little picture things that people post on facebook.

After you see it so many times in such a short time you start to wonder if God is thumping you.

I admit I have a hard time loving myself, and when I act like I did this last two weeks well it is even harder. I have a hard time seeing anything good in myself. In fact most of the time I feel that I must GIVE and GIVE in order to earn someone’s love or friendship. I can not conceive that I am lovable on my own.

People say nice things about me, but it is hard to believe. I always think oh they are just being nice, they don’t REALLY mean it. If I can’t believe others love me or think highly of me then how can I think it of myself.

I am critical of myself, I over examine everything. I am impulsive and regret it later. I am so many bad things… that I don’t know where to start to learn to LIKE me let alone LOVE me.

They say you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. In my case that isn’t true. I can love other people with all my heart… I just can love myself. I always think, one of these days I will do or say something wrong and it will all be over … well I showed my worst the last two weeks… Hmm there are a few still here and saying the still love me. Now if I just didi…

What a mess!

It is time to do some work on myself. To figure out why I need to make a total and complete mess of my life. There is standing up for your beliefs and then there is just killing everyone within a 5 mile radius.

I need to learn that it is ok to get mad at someone, but it not be the end. I know where it comes from but I have to take it in hand now. On some level I truly believe that any argument leads to the end of the relationship, and that just isn’t true. Not only that but I have to be the first to leave. People that think normally do not usually understand why a small spat means the end to me. I can see where they think I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, and I usually am but the part of my mind still screams they are LEAVING they DON’T CARE about you.

When I am hurt, I lash out. I want everyone that hurt me to hurt as much as me. I also want to stop hurting and so the best way (in my twisted thinking) is to just remove the one that hurts me.

The trouble with that is that you end up alone, because even the people that love you the most will eventually hurt you, not meaning to.

I have a VERY low tolerance for people. I get frustrated with them, and simply decide I do not want to deal with them. I am sure being at home and not out in the world working as something to do with it. I think this is confused with anger in this case. I am not really mad at the people driving me crazy but I don’t want them around me.

I have been viewing people as disposable. This is just so wrong, on so many levels. I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I also see where some of the problems are.

Sigh… such a mess I am. So much work to do…

Making Laundry soap

It’s very easy to make homemade laundry soap I have been doing it for a while now. I started out making a “gel” or a liquid but it was messy and gloppy. I changed over to a powder and it is great!

I didn’t have the boxes of my own to show you as I poured the powders into air tight bags after I opened them.

You only need three things.

Arm and hammer washing soda

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Then you need Borax

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Then you need a bar of soap. In the past I have used Ivory soap. If you take it and put it in the microwave for a couple of minutes it expands! You can then just flake it up. I didn’t have ivory today so I used ZOTE.

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I just ran it through my food processor and grated it up. I wish it would have grated it a little finer, but it isn’t a big deal as it easily dissolves in water.

1 cup of washing soda

1 cup of borax

1 bar of ivory… now the ZOTE bars are HUGE so I just used 1/2 of it. You can also use FELS Naptha in this. I would be careful what body type soaps you use as many have moisturizer and stuff in them. If you use a body soap I would stick with ivory.

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Toss it all in a bowl and mix!

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Keep in an airtight bowl and add a couple of tablespoon to a load of laundry. It is VERY inexpensive to make, it is easy on the clothes, the skin and the environment. Don’t expect a lot of suds like you get with a store-bought liquid, you don’t need suds to get clean. My clothes are always really soft and clean.

Try a batch!

Who am I?

What happens when it turns out you are not the person you thought you were, or the person you think you are doesn’t match what people see?

Who are you then? What do you do next?

I am lost.

My worst enemy

When I used to be very heavy, I would lay in bed at night and look back over my day and beat myself up. Agonizing over every bad decision, over everything I shouldn’t have done or eaten, and the things I should have done instead. I would tear myself down, cry, and promise myself that the next day would be better.

I would get up with the best of intentions but as the day wore on I would fall back into familiar and unhealthy things. I guess I knew in the back of my mind that I would need ammo later that night to beat myself up over.

I noticed that I am doing it again. It isn’t so much about food now, other than eating more protein and less sugar, but that isn’t my focus. In fact there doesn’t seem to be a single focus, anything will do.

I can beat myself up over not getting the floor vacuumed or the bird cage cleaned out. I can really berate myself over the yard or not organizing the laundry. It doesn’t matter what it is… I will find something or somewhere¬† where I feel that I failed or fell short that day.

I wonder why though, why do I have to do this to myself? Why can’t I say to myself… YAY! you got this done and that done and you were kind and loving today.

I wonder if anyone else does this? Is it something more women do than men? Are people able to do the day and then let it go and not have regrets?

I need to make a conscious effort to live in the moment. To make each decision in the day be the best one, to get to the end of the say without regrets and without anything to beat myself up about. I wonder if that is even possible because we make our decisions based on the knowledge at hand and sometimes that knowledge is incomplete.

I guess the main point of this is that I need to learn from the kindergarten teacher and praise the good actions….

What’s next?

I am still learning my way around this site. It is more involved than Blogspot was. I think it will be great once I get it all figured out.

I have decided that I really need to find something to do that is of a giving nature. Something that will take me outside my own world. It is too easy to let the world shrink to be a little bubble around you. In my case, I stay home too much and I watch too much news and listen to too much talk radio. It really gets me riled up, and while that is a good thing as it affects change when it is a group, it isn’t a group, it is just me here and I end up feeling frustrated.

I am looking for a few volunteer things. I am going to the Children’s Outreach tomorrow. It is a children cancer ward and they take them goodies. I made cookies for them a few times, but I want to see if I can be more hands on. I am a little scared, I know that I will be playing with my heart. Those little kids are going to get under my skin, and I know that some of them will not grow up. This may be something that I can’t handle I don’t know, I want to try. I want to be a prayer warrior for these little ones. I want to maybe make them happy for a little while.

I want to find other things that I can do to get more involved in the community. I don’t live in the city limits of ANY town but the nearest one is 3-4 miles up the road, a very small town but a town none the less. Surely there are opportunities to help someone.

I would love to find a nursing home, where I could go and help paint the ladies nails or brush their hair, or read to a group. It seems that the libraries always have plenty of volunteers to shelve books and really I guess that more than anything I want to do something that will make a DIFFERENCE to make someone’s life easier or nicer.

The sad thing is that in this day and age no one can trust anyone else. In order to volunteer you usually have to join an organization or a group and then they want to do a background check and they want 50 bucks for that and it really it is crazy. I have nothing in my background to cause me trouble, it is just that I want to help people and they make it harder than it should have to be. 

I guess I am just feeling a little adrift and not really knowing what is next, but knowing that whatever it is … well it is up to me.