My worst enemy

When I used to be very heavy, I would lay in bed at night and look back over my day and beat myself up. Agonizing over every bad decision, over everything I shouldn’t have done or eaten, and the things I should have done instead. I would tear myself down, cry, and promise myself that the next day would be better.

I would get up with the best of intentions but as the day wore on I would fall back into familiar and unhealthy things. I guess I knew in the back of my mind that I would need ammo later that night to beat myself up over.

I noticed that I am doing it again. It isn’t so much about food now, other than eating more protein and less sugar, but that isn’t my focus. In fact there doesn’t seem to be a single focus, anything will do.

I can beat myself up over not getting the floor vacuumed or the bird cage cleaned out. I can really berate myself over the yard or not organizing the laundry. It doesn’t matter what it is… I will find something or somewhere  where I feel that I failed or fell short that day.

I wonder why though, why do I have to do this to myself? Why can’t I say to myself… YAY! you got this done and that done and you were kind and loving today.

I wonder if anyone else does this? Is it something more women do than men? Are people able to do the day and then let it go and not have regrets?

I need to make a conscious effort to live in the moment. To make each decision in the day be the best one, to get to the end of the say without regrets and without anything to beat myself up about. I wonder if that is even possible because we make our decisions based on the knowledge at hand and sometimes that knowledge is incomplete.

I guess the main point of this is that I need to learn from the kindergarten teacher and praise the good actions….

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