It is time to do some work on myself. To figure out why I need to make a total and complete mess of my life. There is standing up for your beliefs and then there is just killing everyone within a 5 mile radius.
I need to learn that it is ok to get mad at someone, but it not be the end. I know where it comes from but I have to take it in hand now. On some level I truly believe that any argument leads to the end of the relationship, and that just isn’t true. Not only that but I have to be the first to leave. People that think normally do not usually understand why a small spat means the end to me. I can see where they think I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, and I usually am but the part of my mind still screams they are LEAVING they DON’T CARE about you.
When I am hurt, I lash out. I want everyone that hurt me to hurt as much as me. I also want to stop hurting and so the best way (in my twisted thinking) is to just remove the one that hurts me.
The trouble with that is that you end up alone, because even the people that love you the most will eventually hurt you, not meaning to.
I have a VERY low tolerance for people. I get frustrated with them, and simply decide I do not want to deal with them. I am sure being at home and not out in the world working as something to do with it. I think this is confused with anger in this case. I am not really mad at the people driving me crazy but I don’t want them around me.
I have been viewing people as disposable. This is just so wrong, on so many levels. I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I also see where some of the problems are.
Sigh… such a mess I am. So much work to do…