As I have talked about I have been slowly losing weight without trying for a couple of years now. I lost all the weight I needed to in about 13 months… it was drastic and wild. Then I gained about 15 pounds back and was stable for like 4 years. Then the losing started. I am still puzzled as to why. I know that I have the absorption thing, but I feel like I eat all the time. I eat anything and everything I want and as much as I want anytime I want. Its ok to hate me. I would have too.
I eat more healthy than I used to. Sometimes it is a conscious choice but I also think that my body craves that stuff now too. I DO eat junk food. I LOVE fried cheese sticks with marinara. I eat cheeseburgers and french fries. I really don’t know why my body is doing this and I worry when or if it will stop. My hipbones are sticking out in front and stay sore from being bumped.
Anyway, there is a saying about how they do the surgery on the stomach not the head, and that is true. Even after 7 years (next month) of having to try to change my views of food they are so ingrained that sometimes that still pop up. There are STILL good foods… and BAD food. The truth is I NEED to be eating few of the BAD foods and yet I still think they are BAD when I go to eat them!
I eat Skinny Cow ice cream bars. I bought them so that Bill could enjoy them and I LOVE them in fact I prefer them because they are SOOOO yummy… not kidding yall. Go get them they are so so good. Anyway I will eat one at night and think …. that was good I want MORE. Now they are 100 calories. I have no idea what calorie percentage I actually absorb there is no way to tell… but it is way less than the 100 calories I ate. Now I will go get another one… and the GUILT that ensues! OMG the self beating up! Look the fact is I NEED the calorie, I NEED the calcium and all that good stuff yet my head is screaming at me PIG!
A side note. I can eat the skinny cow without paying a high price like I do with regular ice cream and I don’t even go near milk… I can not handle it. So the fact that I CAN eat these is actually a GIFT.
So why don’t I see it as a gift? Why don’t I just enjoy it and be happy? I mean really isn’t that what every woman wants… to eat with abandon and not have to worry about gaining?
So it is fairly obvious I am SCREWED up with the food thing.
We live in a country where we have to much food we waste it, and yet we have the most complicated relationship with it. Boy does THAT install triggers that apparently last a lifetime. Even when the rules change the old thought process is such a part of us that I won’t if it is POSSIBLE to dig them out.
Just some thoughts in my weirdly messed up head….