Auld Lang Syne

So this is the last day of 2012… we are supposed to reflect on the last year, and then decide what we are going to do to make the next year better.

When I think about 2012, sadly one of the words that comes to me is pain. Physical pain. I spent a good deal of time and money trying to figure out why I was hurting so much. I got my answers, but I found out that there isn’t really a cure, but only ways to manage the pain. I am still working on accepting that. I am getting some cortisone shots in a few days in the joints and I am hoping that the pain is relieved to the point of being able to work out and strengthen the supporting muscles around the joints.

I have learned some things about myself that I don’t like. I have a VERY quick temper. I also seem to employ a scorched earth policy. If you make me mad or hurt me, then I don’t need you in my life. That isn’t healthy!  I also, I guess over time and experiences, started to just go ahead and assume the worst about people, if you managed to change my mind THEN I would let you in. Again not healthy!

I want to work on being more contented with life. Change what needs it of course, but to stop beating my head on a brick wall. I often have an …. unsettled feeling and I can’t even name it but I don’t like it, and frankly I am not sure how to fix it or whatever if I can’t even name it!

I think it would benefit me to write more here. Just about what I think and feel. I used to blog a lot more than I do now. It makes me think more and then I can look back and see how I felt and what it is like now.

I love my cookie business but to be honest I find that the cookies I give away are the most fulfilling. I have a couple of outlets for as many cookies as I want to bake and I will still of course fill any orders that come in but I think at this point I am not actively seeking business.

I have learned some lessons about giving this last year. I have been doing the 26 random acts of kindness over the holidays and I love it. It is so so good for me. It is interesting that I would rather give something to or do something nice for a stranger or anonymously than someone I know. There is a reason. When you give to someone you don’t know and they don’t know you there is NO expectation of reciprocation. It is a free giving… a truly free giving and I have decided that is the kind of giving I need to do.

I always look forward to the New Year, it is fresh and new and it seems like anything is possible. So I have talked about the things that I don’t like about myself and I plan to find a way to make them better.

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A glimpse of Heaven through Hell

I have been awake for a couple of hours, I have been listening to the news. I have listened to the news a lot the last few days, probably more than I should have.

Nothing effects our deepest feelings like children. This last few days has broken my heart. It has made me angry to a degree that I haven’t felt many times in my life. It has forced me to rely on faith. It has forced me to defend my basic right as an American in the face of total and complete horror.

I just need to write about this. I am leaving my political opinions at the door. It doesn’t matter how or why at this point, there is nothing that we can do now or in the future to bring back those babies or to give the survivors back their sweet innocence.

I think of my grandson, he isn’t as old as those that were killed. He will soon be 2 and he is the light of my life. He is sweet and innocent, he has no clue that the world is anything but snuggles and laughs, cars and cookies. His main issues are food, juice and the backyardigans, and not even in that order! I just want to hold him and shield him from all the evil in the world.

It is easy to focus on the evil act, but you know what, the more time that passes the more personal stories we hear about acts of LOVE and of GOODNESS. They TRUMPED the evil! People protecting each other. Comforting each other. The man that came home and found little kids in his driveway crying… they had escaped and run there, he took them in, calmed them down, feed them and called their parents. The teacher that died with one of those babies in her arms. The teacher that locked herself and kids in a bathroom, the one that locked themselves in a closet. The principal that died trying to prevent the whole thing. It is easy to focus on the bad… and there IS a lot of it. I think we are better served to to talk about the stranger that bought and set up 26 Christmas trees… anonymously. Those people that are setting out to do a random act of kindness in remembrance of each of those killed.

I think about how it was after 9/11 and it was the same…. love and kindness and caring. So why does it take something so evil to make us stop and LOOK! Why do we wait to show someone the good. Why?! We are quick to send a card when someone dies, or take a dish of food to a funeral. Why don’t we take food to the people just because… because we value them? Why don’t we ever take a minute and just say … you know what… you make my world a nicer place, or … I don’t know you that well, but I would like to buy your coffee this morning.

We see Hell on earth most days anymore, but sometimes, sometimes like a rainbow after a flood, we also get to see a tiny peek a Heaven too.

 

 

 

 

Can you miss what you never had?

They say you can’t miss something you never had. I am not sure that is true. I think you can miss something that you know others have and you don’t. Does that make sense?

I see other big families get together at the holidays and everyone has fun and teases and plays games and eats and watches football. That makes happy holiday memories.

When I was a kid we would go to my granny’s and there would be a few of us, but I was always so hyper aware of the tense and strife. I have a few happy memories of the holidays but they were not like the ones others seem to have.

Now perhaps I am romanticizing thing and perhaps it is more in how people see things. I understand that what I want/miss may not even really exist.

Due to family issues on both sides and deaths there is no chance of us going to another big family Christmas. We try to give our kids and Wyatt a nice relaxed holiday but it will never be big because we were only blessed with one child. I am grateful that Sam married into a great family with cousins for Wyatt and in-laws that love her and a sister-in-law closer to her age. They will have happy memories there too.

I guess this time of the year is hard on everyone, not just me. I sometimes feel incomplete, that I missed out on what other kids take for granted.

I guess I am just melancholy today…. not really sure why.