I have spent the last week thinking about a lot of things.
I spend too much time at home and not with other people. I am getting only a small slice of the world and it isn’t the best slice. I read the news and listen to the news too much. It makes me think that everyone is bad. That simply isn’t true. Yes, I have had some … well less that stellar people in my life over the years and I have become jaded in many ways. I called it being a realist.
I am getting out and being around people more, I am giving of MYSELF more. Not just giving… I can give all day long. Giving of myself comes with a price.
The last year was very hard on me in the medicine area. I had a lot of pain and it affected so many areas of my life. I take medicine for depression and a couple of times I had a new drug counteract with the old ones. It made for a very rocky and erratic time. I hurt people and drove them crazy. I have learned that not everyone forgives and that has caused me a lot of regret. I am responsible for my actions and that is the price I must pay.
Things are better now, the physical therapy and the new drug for the nerves in my back are making life livable again.
I gave platelets last week. It was at the high school. I was so touched and I hate to say it, but I was surprised to see so many kids in there waiting to give blood! All we hear is how awful teenagers are… and you know what if you stay at home and never go out to see then that is what you believe. It is easy to think that everyone only looks out for number one until you meet someone that does as much as they can to make life a little better for someone in a bad situation. It is easy to think that your own troubles are overwhelming until you meet someone that is facing much bigger battles than you.
I have spent too much time being a hermit and I am trying to get out and learn about real people not just people online or on the news…
I had written about getting more involved in the Orange Out outreach, I have been making cookies for them for a while but that was as far as I went. Fear held me back. If you don’t take a change you don’t get hurts. Seems simple enough…. I wish.
I went to the hospital children’s ward today. I knew I would see sick kids, and I did. I knew I would see parents going through stuff no parent should ever have to go through, and I did. I saw a 4 month old baby that already has cancer. It broke my heart.
A few weeks ago a young man that was very close to the organization passed away and his mama came up there, she inspired me! She lost her son, and yet there she was up there at the hospital and she is trying to find a way to do something that will honor her son and others that are going through the same thing. I think if is were me I would have left that place and NEVER went back. What a strong and amazing woman!
I learned that there is so much more to all of it than I thought! They do far more than I realized that they did and they have been through so much more than I knew.
I was so blessed today. I left there with my mind racing, just thinking about all the things that I might be able to do that would help them. I can give up my time a day or two a week, I can make cookies that the kids love. I am going to make an orange quilt for them to sell. I feel so excited about helping with this.
That short period of time opened my eyes and opened my heart. I saw that these people are facing what most of us consider the worst thing that we can go through… and they still smiled. They still had HOPE.
I am still processing all that my mind took in… but I know this I will be there bright eyed and bushy-tailed in my orange shirt next Wednesday morning to do it again.
So I am learning a lot about what friendship is and what it is not.
I never really thought about it until a sweet friend said something this morning. There is a difference in being a friend and being friendly. Now there is nothing wrong with either one, as long as you don’t mistake one for the other.
When I met someone I like I want to be friends. I jump right in.
I have realized that some people I think of as friends probably don’t view me that way and they are simply friendly toward me. Again. there is nothing wrong with it, I just need to see it for what it is and accept that is the way it will be. The only thing that really hurts is when you WERE friends and something happens and you suddenly are in the friendly pile. It happens. I guess for me, it is hard to jut be friendly… I mean for instance on facebook it you only want to be friendly, I am wonder why I am left in the friends list. I wonder why the care what I do or say. I may view facebook differently than others. I care what my friends do and say and it is a way to keep in touch. I guess it is possible that people just turn off your feed and no longer see what you say or do, but then again why not unfriend?
I apparently still have a lot to learn, because I am often confused by the things people do.
I was scheduled to start physical therapy on Tuesday but we woke up to ice and I slid around one the roads trying to get out of my neighborhood and decided to stay home. I rescheduled for this morning. They did a lot of testing to get a better idea of the movements etc. What we found out is that my right leg is now 1/2 in shorter than my left AND my left hipbone is lower than my right so there is no torque going on to explain the shortage other than that I have lost 1/2 in in the hip bone gap. There is a gap between all your joints so they don’t rub each other…. mine is getting smaller. Not great new. I have to wear a little 1/2 in lift thing in my shoes now to help that. As I said before there is nerve damage and slowness and now they say there is weakness to which I knew because sometimes a take a step and I am not sure it will hold me.
They put me in a traction machine and that was different, it didn’t hurt at the time, but it does now and things are sliding around in the low back when I bend over. Since I have two herniated disks in the low back that is making me move with great care.
Right before Christmas I got the flu like respiratory thing that is going around. I got meds and it got a little better, then it came back. I took a second round of antibiotics and more cough syrup and it got a little better again. There three nights ago I woke up with my throat on fire… I thought well maybe it is drainage. I have been drinking tea and honey and cold tea and while I drinking it is ok. It hurts to swallow. The congestion is mostly gone, it is just the throat. So I got BACK to the dr. (3rd time) and get a shot of steroids… predisone, not the stuff they were going to put in my joints. MORE anitbiotics and some lidocaine to gargle with. It seems that now I have huge blisters in my throat, certainly explains the pain and my lymph nodes are all swollen too.
I just feel defeated. I am tired of hurting and being sick. There doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of this tunnel. The one good thing is that the new nerve medicine seems to be helping a little bit with the twitching that originates from the low back.
I know that being so heavy for so long is the reason I am these issues, you can not have your body carry that sort of a burden for that long without there being consequences. I am thankful everyday that I am not that heavy. On the other hand it sucks to go through all I did/am and know that I will still be paying the price for it forever. That is the thought that causes me to be depressed. I have to remember I only have to live through one day at a time.
Thanks for letting me vent. It is easier to do it here and write it out once than to do it person by person.
I figure if I post this here then only those that really want to know will read it and I won’t bore everyone else with my health related issues.
I met with the new neurologist today. He was great. He did all sorts of tests on the nerves that go down my left leg and foot. He tested all the muscles as well. Well actually he tested them both. Anyway I have nerve damage and nerve slowness on the left side from the nerves being pinch both in the herniated discs then into the hip. He was leery of doing the shots right off the bat. The doctor that referred me to him made it sound like that was my only option so I basically worried myself sick over it.
He is taking over the pain management and also is giving me a new drug that will help slow further nerve damage. I tried to take Lyrica and it was a disaster I became suicidal … seriously. So this is an older drug that doesn’t seem to have that side effect. One side effect that it does have is an appetite increase… I am actually curious how that will work on me IF I have that one. Anyway I jerk at night really bad and it originates in the low back and that drug should help that also it is known to make you drowsy so I will take it at night and maybe sleep better.
The other thing we are going to do it physical therapy 3 times a week for 8 weeks then I will see him again.
If there isn’t improvement in the pain situation THEN we will do the shots. I am glad he isn’t ready to jump into the shots if there are other things that we haven’t tried.
He of course gave me better pain meds and I hope I will need them less and less.
Anyway that is the update and plan at this point. I will start the new nerve meds tomorrow and the physical therapy next week. Please remember me in your prayers that this works and we are able to slow the nerve damage.
I know a precious little girl that had cancer and beat it. Through her struggles the Orange out Organization was born. They do things for the children in the cancer ward and for their families. The take them goodies and just make things easier for them.
I have been making cookies for them for the better part of a year. It is one of the best things I do!
Yet I am separate from the pain. I have yet to go to the hospital to see those little kids. I don’t know if I can bear it. I know on the level that these cookies are going to little cancer patients and I know it makes them happy…. but I stay in my safe little world where I don’t see their pain and suffering. I don’t hurt so badly that way.
Yet I have been thinking more and more that I want to step out and do this for them. I know that it will cause me tears, that I will lose some of them. It is scary. I worked in a nursing home right out of high school and I know what it is like to go into work and someone you cared about is gone. At least then you can comfort yourself in saying that they lived a long full life, did all they wanted to. You can’t say that about a child.
I just think that there are a lot of things in this world that break our hearts… and if making things better for someone else ends up with your heart being broken, then at least is was for a worthy reason.
So pray for me to find my way in this, to touch others.
Again, I am not blaming anyone. I am only telling you where I got my concepts about things.
My mother was a difficult woman. She would get mad at us and get in the car and leave… sometimes hours, sometimes days. Believe me when I say she took her love with her. When she turned there would be a period of… well worship so to speak. If you were old enough this usually involved giving a gift or doing extra chores or really anything to EARN her love back.
Things would be ok for awhile then shampoo, rinse, repeat. This was the rhythm of my childhood and teen years.
This taught me that you have to earn or buy love.
So I grew up with those ideas. I learned to give of myself. Things that I had, you wanted it it was yours. If I could surprise you and make your day or make you smile I would. It didn’t matter the cost in any area to me. See THAT in my head made you love me. It never entered my mind that people love each other without that. You gave to people you loved. PERIOD.
So did and I do.
To be fair some of the giving is just for the pleasure, I mentioned that LOVE anonymous acts because there it no expectation of reciprocation because they don’t know who I am. That is free and true giving and I love that. I do give to people I love that I know love me back regardless of what I do.
I often send things to people that is my way of saying I love you. They may or may not really understand that. That isn’t the problem.
This is the problem…. since I see giving as love when time goes by and there is nothing in return (and I don’t mean a gift or anything physical) I see that they don’t feel the same about me. They don’t give me time, or effort or anything so they don’t love me back. So why would I want them around?
I know it is wrong. I know that people can love without deeds, I don’t know if I can. It is a part of me.
This is something else that I have to let go of. Something else that I must work on.