In the last year it has become glaringly obvious that I know nothing about being a friend. When I was growing up my parents socialized with family. They played cards and fought and all the things that people do. My father worked all the time in the oil field so his friends were there and I never saw them and we never socialized with them outside of his work. My mother, well she didn’t either. I am not sure why, other than she was very erratic. I am that way at times to. I am working on that, she I don’t think ever did. Anyway. This isn’t about blaming them for anything is is just to show you that I never really saw how friendship is supposed to work.
This was compounded by being chubby and awkward and just not having many friendships. In high school I had a couple of friendships, and I treasured them but with all high school friendships they are superficial… boys, school, clothes.
I met and married Bill and he was all I needed! He was and is the PERFECT friend! So the feeling of wanting friends went away.
I started to get online years ago and enjoyed the interaction with people but they were just online and I didn’t let them get close. Then I had the surgery and while I am not going to go into it all, it stripped away all my defenses… literally and figuratively. I had NO defenses.
In time the people I talked to managed to worm their way into my heart. I would let them get close, but I always had my foot out the door. Their is apart of me that still says… you managed just FINE without friends TYVM… they will only let you down and hurt you! Plus I still always had Bill.
So when the time came and someone let my down (real or perceived and almost always unintentional) I just cut them out. I didn’t need that. If they couldn;t be perfect like Bill why bother?
Sadly I still do this. It has happened in the last year in fact.
I have a few friends that I haven’t been able to run off. Lord knows I have tried, and yet they love me through it and I have learned that that is the friend I want to have, but more importantly the friend I WANT TO BE.
My sisters are all like me in this, we are all so confused and lost that we don’t know how to relate with each other. I honestly don’t know if that will ever be straightened out. Each of us must learn to stand OURSELVES in relation to each other. I can only do MY part.
As I stated in the blog yesterday I assume the worst about people. I guess it is part of a replacement defense… I WAIT until the give me a reason to cut them loose then I can justify it to myself, see I KNEW it!
I do not have any outside friendships. I DO have many acquaintances, I mean I am not a hermit. I just don’t let them in. I find that I put up so many walls when I attend a party or get together that I spend the time uncomfortable. So very guarded.
So this is the year I work on myself in this area. This is the year I let people in and know that yes, they will let me down because they are human! I will work on BEING the friend to them that I want.
It is time to put away the attitude of if you don’t give them a chance they can’t hurt you.
So there is it … that is what I will be focusing on here this year…. I know it will be painful so you certainly don’t have to read. It is always hard when you look at yourself and see where you are lacking and start tearing things down and rebuilding.
Happy New Year to you! The people that loved me through it!