Again, I am not blaming anyone. I am only telling you where I got my concepts about things.
My mother was a difficult woman. She would get mad at us and get in the car and leave… sometimes hours, sometimes days. Believe me when I say she took her love with her. When she turned there would be a period of… well worship so to speak. If you were old enough this usually involved giving a gift or doing extra chores or really anything to EARN her love back.
Things would be ok for awhile then shampoo, rinse, repeat. This was the rhythm of my childhood and teen years.
This taught me that you have to earn or buy love.
So I grew up with those ideas. I learned to give of myself. Things that I had, you wanted it it was yours. If I could surprise you and make your day or make you smile I would. It didn’t matter the cost in any area to me. See THAT in my head made you love me. It never entered my mind that people love each other without that. You gave to people you loved. PERIOD.
So did and I do.
To be fair some of the giving is just for the pleasure, I mentioned that LOVE anonymous acts because there it no expectation of reciprocation because they don’t know who I am. That is free and true giving and I love that. I do give to people I love that I know love me back regardless of what I do.
I often send things to people that is my way of saying I love you. They may or may not really understand that. That isn’t the problem.
This is the problem…. since I see giving as love when time goes by and there is nothing in return (and I don’t mean a gift or anything physical) I see that they don’t feel the same about me. They don’t give me time, or effort or anything so they don’t love me back. So why would I want them around?
I know it is wrong. I know that people can love without deeds, I don’t know if I can. It is a part of me.
This is something else that I have to let go of. Something else that I must work on.