Thursdays confessions

I confess I have a weird habit. Well I don’t think it is weird but many people do. I love to read obituaries, I do it every single day. People I don’t know, and have no connection to them at all. I have been told that is morbid. I don’t see it that way. To me it is the last chapter in a book. I like the ones that tell the whole story of a life well lived. I love the ones that have a list of survivors that number into the great great grandchildren.  I love the ones that say in 1942 he married his high school sweetheart, and they celebrated 60 or 70 years together!

We are losing all of the veterans of WWII and I love to read about those brave young men that enlisted and went off to fight for us and the women that stayed and became Rosie the Riveter! You can tell the a bit about what they person was like by the tone of the obituary, you can tell if they are serious and stoic or if they were fun-loving and teasing. I always feel a little sad when it only says that the person died and this is the funeral. I know that it costs to put those long obits in the paper, in fact I was shocked at the price for the Ft Worth Star Telegram! I think that it is also partly because we just don’t stop and take time to properly grieve and mourn our loved ones. I can’t tell you how often it says… so and so died and a service will be announced later… it makes me sad. I am not ghoulish I just think that as I said it is the last chapter in their book.

One of the things that always interests me is the many ways they say that the person died. Sometimes it is they died… they passed away, they fell asleep and woke in God’s arms, they answered their master’s call, I think my  favorite is that they were made perfect before God. I like that one. I have sadly read a few obits in which it is very clear that they are atheist and the obit is devoid of all hope. It is just the end. I love the ones that say… Joe was reunited with Opal in heaven… or things like that.

The other thing that really gets me is the part about … laying in state. That is what we always called it… you know where you can go view the body. A lot of them say stuff like you may visit Ann at…. or Ann will be at so and so place and gives the time, but sometimes you get one that is well… Anita will be laying on her Golden couch before she is transported to her going home party. Or something like that. I don’t mean to be disrespectful but that one busted me up!

I also noticed that the older women and men seem to be more involved in clubs and community things. It may be that they just lived to a point in their life where they had time for that I don’t know. Younger to middle-aged just don’t seem to be into that. I love to see what people did for a living, where they lived and all that. It is almost a Sociology class in each one.

I grieve when I see little babies and little kids obits and I confess that many times I skip them because it is just so heart breaking.  I am seldom interested in the cause of death, something will get us all eventually. Occasionally they will name a disease that I am curious about and I will go look it up.

Yesterday there were TWO people who were connected to the tiny town where my parents lived the last years of their lives. Since the area is small I even noted their names to see if there was any way they fit into the family tree. I think that part of the draw for me is the genealogy part of it. I have read obits for family information for as long as I can remember.

Another thing I love is the names. The old names, simple and plain, passed on and named after. The spellings aren’t wonky … they are simple good solid names. Occasionally I get one that makes me laugh, usually it is a foreign name paired with an English name and it just sounds odd. I love the ones where the soldier goes off to fight in Europe and brings home a bride!

I realize that I romanticize these to a degree. I get the outline of their lives and I, in my own mind add the details that may of may not be true.  I love the ones that have two pictures… one when they were young and one recent. They were so beautiful and young and women looked like women and men looked like men!

I guess in some ways it that I like history and I am creative. I just think that I might have liked to have known that person, given the chance. The least I can do is read the obituary and wish them Godspeed.

 

So do you think he hobby is morbid or just harmless.

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Thursday’s Thoughts

Ok the food is still a battle it is getting better day every day tho. I do not have the will power at the moment to just cut out everything I should. It is better and it is better for me and that is really the goal.

I want to talk about lies today. I grew up with lies and secrets. Don’t tell your mother I did this to you… don’t tell your aunt what her son did to you…. don’t tell granny because she is SURE that the cousin is just misunderstood….. lies and secrets

I am dying of cancer and I don’t want treatment and I am not telling your father until I have to …. lies this is a picture of dads lung cancer we can’t show him it will make his depressed. Don’t tell your dad what the doctor said…

Don’t tell anyone …. but your, sisters did this and that…. your aunts and cousins did this and the aunts and cousins did this…

Is it any wonder I have trust issues? It is any wonder that when I let someone earn their into my heart I do anything I can for them…. and is there any wonder why I have abandonment issues. Is it any wonder that I want to be in control of everything?

You know when things are going on,  people lie and think it fixes things… and I guess maybe for a short time it may, but in the end it always comes out. Sadly it usually comes out after people are so hurt and you can’t heal that. It leaves an open wound in the heart and yes the head too. I was a grown woman before I told the truth, I wasn’t lying other than by omitting. The thing is that all of those years so many things floated in my head and caused a lot of damage. I will NEVER trust very many people. This is also why I don’t want people around me much because time and time again I feel that they are lying to me. I find it easier to not even take the chance to let someone hurt me again.

This is now…my older sister is 53 and my youngest is 40 this year and jami is 43.  So we are all grown, you all already now that I left the life and lifestyle that they decided to stay in. I know that they hate me for that. The tell things that are true… a year or so ago I got a email from jami saying… why did you say daddy molested you? WHAT!!!!???? some from the family (according to her) said I told them that … of course she will never tell me who. Still lies and secrets.  My niece’s fiance was killed about 2 weeks ago… in a car accident. I have one nephew that talks to me, against his mother’s wishes. He told me, but without him would never have known. No one else in the family thought I should know. So again it a secret from me. I guess that is their way of having some power over me in some weird way.

The biggest most hurtful secret that came out is devastating to me. I found out the pieces thought different places….  MY mother would get made at my daddy and run off. When they  were young mother moved to Louisiana and she got in a snit because daddy had to work all the time so one day she got on a bus and went back to the town she was from, where she knew everyone from school. She stayed there for 4 months…. I was conceived during those 4 months…. daddy did not see her during that time, and I was a full term baby. 

So yes, secrets come out, sadly for me, both of them were gone by then.  Daddy had to know, but he never said a word… no one ever said a damn word. I couldn’t even go and confront her about it. I know you are all going to tell me that my daddy WAS my daddy, he raised me. In fact I was closer to him than my sisters… I was so different from them

I have a few people on my facebook page that have been in my life since we were little girls, during all of this and I would but you none of them knew any of it… it was just and other secret and lies….

All that mattered was that we looked like a good family from the outside.

Monday mumbles — no griping today YAY! lol

So I wish I could report to you that yesterday was a smashing success.. but that would be lying. However, as I said yesterday every morning we get a clean slate. I am eating my lunch steamed veggies and roast chicken breast, breakfast was egg beaters…. yes I DO have lazy hens! BUT they are less calories ect. So to make up those calories I just had to add bacon bits! LOL and a little grated cheese on top and a piece of homemade bread toast. I am doing well so far today. It seems that sweets are my weakness so that is what I am focusing on today… just no sweets. Then I will be cutting back on carbs and I will start walking with my camera.

My mind is in a much better place today. I can not even say why… but I am thankful for it.

I  have gotten to the point where I don’t want to leave the house… NOT to be confused with afraid to leave the house. It is just that I live in the boonies and it 20 miles in each of the 3 directions to get to a decent store. I tell you it takes long round trip than whatever I am going there to do. I could go a week and be happy. I know that isn’t good for me thought. I got out this morning and went to walmart and while that is a whole other aggravation, at least I got out and maybe that is part of why I feel better today…

I have been sewing and I really love it. I wish there were more cute patterns for little boys… but I make him little shorts and put appliques on them. I used to do that for my pumpkin princess and I even have some now, if she will bring something to put them on… so SAM I know you are reading this …. on friday morning bring me two things or whatever I have owl buttons and an applique.

I know that staying busy it good for me too. I honestly can’t figure out why I always talk myself out of things I enjoy…

 

mornings grumbles

I love mornings… fresh new slate. I haven’t managed to screw it up yet. My motivation to do the right things is high. I am rested and calm, the stress of life hasn’t found me yet.

Here in the time I have decided that today is the day …. just for today I am going to control the food I eat. For so long I hate anything and had trouble keeping weight on. It is like this. Since the surgery I hit a weight then I had a bounce of about 20 pounds then I lost it just doing nothing and now I have gained 9 back. I weigh 11 pounds less than the bounce. It isn’t so much the number that bothers me as it is cause. I have stated that I have to take a medicine that increases my appetite. I never blame a medicine for gaining… it is the EXTRA FOOD you eat that does it. I know that I am not as active as I was so all together is it just a bad mix.

I have a nifty new phone and I am going to look for an app to help me track food and such. But I am also going to tell it here. I am also going to use this as a place to vent and deal with the frustration. I am sure that I will offend some people before it is over. I have a lot to say about the state of the world. I will share ups and downs. I have already eaten this morning so I did not weigh I will do that in the morning so I know 100% where I stand. I know myself … deal with the head and the eating will follow.

Now on to the mental things of the day…

I have all but left facebook. I periodically even deactivate my account so that it is less of a temptation for me, but then I find that I miss a few people that have on there and I open it back up… rinse repeat it is really not a healthy cycle. I get frustrated with facebook because people only want to  live in a sparkly rainbow unicorn world. They don’t want to see or read about what is going on in the world. That is WHY the world is like it is! They count on people to just not give a damn. The other thing is that I am so upset about how this country is being managed that I can hardly stand to talk to anyone that I know voted for that Crook in the White house. So there is that too. I see people that post Christian stuff but then vote for a man that is for things like late term abortion and gay marriage and in my book you can’t have it both ways. So if you claim to be a Christian and endorse that I am sorry you need to read the book again!

So that is where I am on the state of the country today I will save the IRS and Benghazi and AP scandals for other days.

Which to chose

So I have two topics that are on my mind one will speak my thoughts on a topic that many will simply ignore because they don’t want to have to think. The other will speak to most of the people that will read this but they will feel far more comfortable with the topic… so which to chose? Since I cannot MAKE people face the world and think, I suppose the choice should be the one that might serve a purpose… sigh.

My thoughts have been on food and what I am eating in the last few months. I have added a needed medication to my body that causes me to want to eat more. Sadly I am making the choice to give in more often than I should. I get tired of the battle. The fight is too familiar. I fought it my whole life with the exception of the last 6 years. I know what I need to do and I am fighting the good fight but I also know myself and there are head issues at play again. Not the same one that I fought before but the same “drug” (food) Before it was to make myself unattractive and therefore “safe” against unwanted attention of men mostly that wanted to harm me… if it was RATIONAL it wouldn’t have been a problem. In my mind and even still now I know that a man in not going to rape or kidnap a 400 pound woman. However that isn’t what is bothering me now.

 

I think that right now it is a control issue… every thing in this world is out of control. The government, the country, the world, the economy. All the things that I used to be able to count on is gone. I used to be able to say…. that will never happen here this is America and yet here we are on so many issues. The things that made my world safe are gone. I have no control. It has slipped into my eating. I eat to stem anxiety. I eat to counter stress. I know that my relationship with God is suffering because frankly I can not see how people that say they are Christians and God himself are allowing … even voting FOR it to happen. I feel like He has just washed his hands of us and why shouldn’t He when we kick him out?

 

I do not even feel that I can approach Him right now… He has to be disgusted by what we as humans have become. I do not feel him telling me it is all going to be ok in the end. So even though I know deep down that He is still in control it sure doesn’t feel that way to me.

 

So back to the dieting. I was thinking about how my mind got so weird about food. I think that the first time I felt bad about my size was 3rd grade. I met a new girl and she was so pretty and sweet… she still is. I measured myself up to her. even after she had moved away and I lost track of her. I always imagined her a certain way and it was always way better than what I was. I found her again a few years ago and she is still wonderful but now I am just happy for her and love to see her adventures. I don’t really compare anymore. I want to make it clear that she never made me feel bad about myself that was all my own doing.

 

I remember being in the 5th grade and doing some little booklet and one of the pages had out stats, height, weight…and they weighed us at school and the teacher wrote it down and when it was time she came around and told us all what the write and mine was higher than everyone else so I said to her that I had weighed at home and I didnt weigh that that I really weighed… like 20 pounds less. I am crying as I write that… 10 years old and lying about weight.

 

It was shortly after that I started doing whatever diet my mother was doing… you know the newest fad…. grapefruit, or cabbage soup, or Cambridge drinks, or whatever silly think was new at the time. I did that on and off really pretty much that until 6 years ago and I got bigger and bigger and bigger.

 

I remember my daddy would tease me and say Fatty fatty 2 by 4, he never knew how that stuck in my head, still is and how it hurt. I think he would be so sad that something like that effected me so much

 

Anyway I am sad when I see young girls and they get younger and younger start to think they are less because they are bigger… weigh more, or are too tall, or develop before everyone else. Those teases and being left out never leaves. It just waits around until you are weak and they all come back and they hurt the same as yesterday.

 

I guess this just turned into a ramble… sorry

Long time

It has been almost 2 months. I do better when I blog. I have all but left Facebook. I only post pictures now because no one wants to have to think or talk about tough things they just want to post flowers and memes.  If you want to continue to follow this you will need to bookmark this or follow.

I find myself falling into old habits. I am eating too much sugar and junk. I am eating too much and too often. I am aware of all of this. It is a familiar place. I lay in bed at night and beat myself up over my eating and promise myself I will do better tomorrow and I don’t … rinse repeat.

I am trying to decide what is triggering this. One thing I do know, the medicine that I take for the nerve damage in my back and leg makes me hungry. I will NEVER say the medicine made me gain because … eating made me gain. I always have the choice.

I have gained 8 pounds and yes I know a lot of you will think big deal 8 pounds but I know that I am in a dangerous place right now. The fact is that for a long time I was losing for no reason and I was actually a little too thin, my face has filled out a little bit now and I think I don’t look so tired and haggard.

There are two reasons I am not wanting to gain… one the familiar mental place is scary and leads to a painful and dark place. Two, the more I weigh the more weight there is on the back and hip. If it weren’t for that I really wouldn’t care. Well and I would hate to not fit in my clothes… that would make me sad.

I am carefully trying to look at my life and decide why I feel like I need the security of the familiar, or what emotions I am trying to numb. Most of the time what I eat doesn’t taste that good and I am not even hungry so it is something in my life and head.

 

I do know that I feel like the country is out of control and that is likely playing in to this too… so uncertain and so I am looking for comfort.

I find that I just don’t want to be around people. I have jumped to google+for posting my pictures. They have groups of different types of picture and even assignments to do and I am enjoying that.

I do still check on facebook and sometimes comment but I will be like everyone else now and just post sunshine and rainbows….but here I will talk.