It has been almost 2 months. I do better when I blog. I have all but left Facebook. I only post pictures now because no one wants to have to think or talk about tough things they just want to post flowers and memes. If you want to continue to follow this you will need to bookmark this or follow.
I find myself falling into old habits. I am eating too much sugar and junk. I am eating too much and too often. I am aware of all of this. It is a familiar place. I lay in bed at night and beat myself up over my eating and promise myself I will do better tomorrow and I don’t … rinse repeat.
I am trying to decide what is triggering this. One thing I do know, the medicine that I take for the nerve damage in my back and leg makes me hungry. I will NEVER say the medicine made me gain because … eating made me gain. I always have the choice.
I have gained 8 pounds and yes I know a lot of you will think big deal 8 pounds but I know that I am in a dangerous place right now. The fact is that for a long time I was losing for no reason and I was actually a little too thin, my face has filled out a little bit now and I think I don’t look so tired and haggard.
There are two reasons I am not wanting to gain… one the familiar mental place is scary and leads to a painful and dark place. Two, the more I weigh the more weight there is on the back and hip. If it weren’t for that I really wouldn’t care. Well and I would hate to not fit in my clothes… that would make me sad.
I am carefully trying to look at my life and decide why I feel like I need the security of the familiar, or what emotions I am trying to numb. Most of the time what I eat doesn’t taste that good and I am not even hungry so it is something in my life and head.
I do know that I feel like the country is out of control and that is likely playing in to this too… so uncertain and so I am looking for comfort.
I find that I just don’t want to be around people. I have jumped to google+for posting my pictures. They have groups of different types of picture and even assignments to do and I am enjoying that.
I do still check on facebook and sometimes comment but I will be like everyone else now and just post sunshine and rainbows….but here I will talk.