So I have two topics that are on my mind one will speak my thoughts on a topic that many will simply ignore because they don’t want to have to think. The other will speak to most of the people that will read this but they will feel far more comfortable with the topic… so which to chose? Since I cannot MAKE people face the world and think, I suppose the choice should be the one that might serve a purpose… sigh.
My thoughts have been on food and what I am eating in the last few months. I have added a needed medication to my body that causes me to want to eat more. Sadly I am making the choice to give in more often than I should. I get tired of the battle. The fight is too familiar. I fought it my whole life with the exception of the last 6 years. I know what I need to do and I am fighting the good fight but I also know myself and there are head issues at play again. Not the same one that I fought before but the same “drug” (food) Before it was to make myself unattractive and therefore “safe” against unwanted attention of men mostly that wanted to harm me… if it was RATIONAL it wouldn’t have been a problem. In my mind and even still now I know that a man in not going to rape or kidnap a 400 pound woman. However that isn’t what is bothering me now.
I think that right now it is a control issue… every thing in this world is out of control. The government, the country, the world, the economy. All the things that I used to be able to count on is gone. I used to be able to say…. that will never happen here this is America and yet here we are on so many issues. The things that made my world safe are gone. I have no control. It has slipped into my eating. I eat to stem anxiety. I eat to counter stress. I know that my relationship with God is suffering because frankly I can not see how people that say they are Christians and God himself are allowing … even voting FOR it to happen. I feel like He has just washed his hands of us and why shouldn’t He when we kick him out?
I do not even feel that I can approach Him right now… He has to be disgusted by what we as humans have become. I do not feel him telling me it is all going to be ok in the end. So even though I know deep down that He is still in control it sure doesn’t feel that way to me.
So back to the dieting. I was thinking about how my mind got so weird about food. I think that the first time I felt bad about my size was 3rd grade. I met a new girl and she was so pretty and sweet… she still is. I measured myself up to her. even after she had moved away and I lost track of her. I always imagined her a certain way and it was always way better than what I was. I found her again a few years ago and she is still wonderful but now I am just happy for her and love to see her adventures. I don’t really compare anymore. I want to make it clear that she never made me feel bad about myself that was all my own doing.
I remember being in the 5th grade and doing some little booklet and one of the pages had out stats, height, weight…and they weighed us at school and the teacher wrote it down and when it was time she came around and told us all what the write and mine was higher than everyone else so I said to her that I had weighed at home and I didnt weigh that that I really weighed… like 20 pounds less. I am crying as I write that… 10 years old and lying about weight.
It was shortly after that I started doing whatever diet my mother was doing… you know the newest fad…. grapefruit, or cabbage soup, or Cambridge drinks, or whatever silly think was new at the time. I did that on and off really pretty much that until 6 years ago and I got bigger and bigger and bigger.
I remember my daddy would tease me and say Fatty fatty 2 by 4, he never knew how that stuck in my head, still is and how it hurt. I think he would be so sad that something like that effected me so much
Anyway I am sad when I see young girls and they get younger and younger start to think they are less because they are bigger… weigh more, or are too tall, or develop before everyone else. Those teases and being left out never leaves. It just waits around until you are weak and they all come back and they hurt the same as yesterday.
I guess this just turned into a ramble… sorry