Thursday’s Thoughts

Ok the food is still a battle it is getting better day every day tho. I do not have the will power at the moment to just cut out everything I should. It is better and it is better for me and that is really the goal.

I want to talk about lies today. I grew up with lies and secrets. Don’t tell your mother I did this to you… don’t tell your aunt what her son did to you…. don’t tell granny because she is SURE that the cousin is just misunderstood….. lies and secrets

I am dying of cancer and I don’t want treatment and I am not telling your father until I have to …. lies this is a picture of dads lung cancer we can’t show him it will make his depressed. Don’t tell your dad what the doctor said…

Don’t tell anyone …. but your, sisters did this and that…. your aunts and cousins did this and the aunts and cousins did this…

Is it any wonder I have trust issues? It is any wonder that when I let someone earn their into my heart I do anything I can for them…. and is there any wonder why I have abandonment issues. Is it any wonder that I want to be in control of everything?

You know when things are going on,  people lie and think it fixes things… and I guess maybe for a short time it may, but in the end it always comes out. Sadly it usually comes out after people are so hurt and you can’t heal that. It leaves an open wound in the heart and yes the head too. I was a grown woman before I told the truth, I wasn’t lying other than by omitting. The thing is that all of those years so many things floated in my head and caused a lot of damage. I will NEVER trust very many people. This is also why I don’t want people around me much because time and time again I feel that they are lying to me. I find it easier to not even take the chance to let someone hurt me again.

This is now…my older sister is 53 and my youngest is 40 this year and jami is 43.  So we are all grown, you all already now that I left the life and lifestyle that they decided to stay in. I know that they hate me for that. The tell things that are true… a year or so ago I got a email from jami saying… why did you say daddy molested you? WHAT!!!!???? some from the family (according to her) said I told them that … of course she will never tell me who. Still lies and secrets.  My niece’s fiance was killed about 2 weeks ago… in a car accident. I have one nephew that talks to me, against his mother’s wishes. He told me, but without him would never have known. No one else in the family thought I should know. So again it a secret from me. I guess that is their way of having some power over me in some weird way.

The biggest most hurtful secret that came out is devastating to me. I found out the pieces thought different places….  MY mother would get made at my daddy and run off. When they  were young mother moved to Louisiana and she got in a snit because daddy had to work all the time so one day she got on a bus and went back to the town she was from, where she knew everyone from school. She stayed there for 4 months…. I was conceived during those 4 months…. daddy did not see her during that time, and I was a full term baby. 

So yes, secrets come out, sadly for me, both of them were gone by then.  Daddy had to know, but he never said a word… no one ever said a damn word. I couldn’t even go and confront her about it. I know you are all going to tell me that my daddy WAS my daddy, he raised me. In fact I was closer to him than my sisters… I was so different from them

I have a few people on my facebook page that have been in my life since we were little girls, during all of this and I would but you none of them knew any of it… it was just and other secret and lies….

All that mattered was that we looked like a good family from the outside.

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