I remember like yesterday looking at my beautiful baby girl sleeping beside me… she is about 4 and has long hair that still has the baby curls. She breathes softly and her eyes are fluttering and her little arms are plump and she is kissed by the sun. I think to myself… how will I bear it when she has to go to school soon. How will stand it? That day came, and it was only half a day and I walked her to school and I cried all day until I walked back to get her at noon. I did this for a week. I can’t believe it has been that long ago.
Sam was born when I was 17. She was/is my whole world, along with her family and my husband. We are a small group but I love them all so fiercely.
Anyway because I was so young I went through the milestones of life with Sam earlier than most of my peers. I see them now going through things that are so heartbreaking and I want to just tell them it will be ok … in time.
Sam is my only living child. I was her playmate and confidant. When we learned that the jump to middle was a bad fit for her because they tried to put her in some mold, we took her out and we home-schooled her for 3 years. We eventually moved and also we had reached a point where chemistry and such really needed to be in a more safe situation. She went back to school and it once again broke my heart. She was happy and took to it like a little duck. She was ahead of the curve and did well, we were thankful. She is very outgoing and we always had kids in the yard, even when she wasn’t in public schools.
Then came the time for the high school testing…. and she did very very well and the scholarships came. She thought she wanted to teach, and regardless of what she think I know in my heart she would have been GREAT at time… she is so good with Wyatt. She took the best deal… a full ride in Louisiana, not all that far from where my folks had lived. I drove her all the way there for her orientation. Then soon it was time to load up the little car we bought her and she drove off with my heart and I cried. and I cried and I cried. Since she was an only child my house was down to two. It was far too still and quiet and I floundered. I had no clue what to do with myself. I didn’t want to be home alone. 4 long years. She came home on the weekends when she could but it was a 6 -7 hour drive. It is the only thing that kept me from going to get my baby.
I knew I had to get her go….
She changed her major to a degree that was a specialty at that school and she excelled. She graduated with honors and she came back home.
She was grown up. She was not the child that left. She was my equal and she was now my best friend. Being her mother had ceased to be my main role.
She lived here for a couple of months or less. She had a job on the other end of the metroplex and the drive was crazy. We treated her like an adult. No rules, but when you live on your own you get used to it and she wanted and needed her own place. She got an apartment.
I was getting pretty tired of having to say goodbye…
Things settled into a routine and before long she was engaged to JT and they were married a couple of years later they had Wyatt. There are not words to tell you how much I love that baby.
My life had now turned into hellos….
Things happened and are as the should be. We raised her the best we knew how and despite that she turned out wonderful.
We took forward to having babies even thought we know there is pain. It hurts our bodies. We dread them leaving and going out into the world because we know there is pain. There are at LEAST two times you give birth to your children, the first as a baby the second as adult ready to face the world.
If you are lucky the hellos will make the goodbyes worth it.