I don’t know what to call this post…

I understand that many of you will simply not understand where I am coming from and that is ok. Bill and I have an old-fashioned marriage. We would fit in the 50s and it is a choice that we have made. It is how our marriage has evolved. We have learned how we fit and how to made our marriage something that we love and makes us happy.

Bill works outside the home. He supports our family. He pays the bills. I have a debit card that loads every two weeks and I use it to buy food and all that we need. If it is something outside the realm of the normal Bill takes care of it. I don’t mean to imply that I am ignorant to our financial situation! We talk about things and I know where we stand on everything. It is simply easier to keep track of things the way we do it. We do everything online so it isn’t like I can just grab the old-fashioned checkbook and head out and know the balance. I am totally good with the way things are set up. Bill has NEVER in all our married life put himself over the family. It just isn’t how he is. Total and complete trust.

My role in all of this is to take care of the home and I take it very seriously. I do what I can to save money… i.e hanging out clothes instead of the drier. Cooking instead of eating out that sort of thing. I know that most won’t get this and that is ok. I get satisfaction out of taking care of my husband. How sad that I have to defend this! I get my identity from what I do in this house. I am made to be a partner to Bill to be his helper and his mate. I admit that I do everything I can for Bill including filling his plate and taking it to him. I do it because I WANT to not because he expects it.

So after all the explaining… this is the thing. On a lot of days I am not able to do all that I want to do for him. I want to say VERY CLEARLY that BILL has said NOTHING. This is all on me. He has even said he doesn’t want to ask for anything because he doesn’t want to make things harder on me. While I love him for that… it hurts. Not being able to do everything that I normally do breaks my heart and it makes me feel less …. This morning and many mornings he tells me to stay in bed and sleep, I am usually so sleepy from medicines that I do. Then I feel so bad the rest of the day that I couldn’t even get up and make him some eggs and toast! I start to feel unworthy and even a burden.

I feel like I have nothing to give in return…

As the back aches….

I swear it is like a soap opera.

I went to a neurologist back in January and he said physical therapy and pain management. After 5 sessions I hurt to the point of barely walking. By the time I was scheduled to see him again, he had stopped coming to the nearest town… so I went to my GP and he said he would take over the pain management. Then I called one day to make an appointment with my GP and I was told he retired…. sigh.

I went to another doctor that I had seen for other things, and she wasn’t comfortable doing the pain management. She would refill the daily stuff and the low doses of tramadol but not anything for the really bad days. There are days when I actually cry from the pain, especially if I am on my feet.

About a month ago I started to get the feeling of something crawling on me, or the cat rubbing against me…. there was nothing there. Creepy and annoying.

The neurologist was about to see me today… I just called yesterday. So he wasn’t able to see my scans and MRIs and all that. He had the good sense to say ok I am not going to order new tests we will look at the ones you already did, it hasn’t been that long.

He did some basic tests on my for weakness and stability. He asked about my toes, the curl even at rest and he said that it was a result of the nerve damage. He had me walk and said I have drop foot. He had me try to tippy toe and I couldn’t and walk with one foot immediately in front of the other and that was a no go as well. I basically have nerve damage and stemming from that there is weakness.

So… he doesn’t want me to do anything for a few days until he sees the tests from the old drs. but he says that the first thing we will try is to see if we can things more stable with the muscles and tendons. This is where I am concerned. I have gone to the chiropractor on and off and he told me that they had been stretched and were loose. I don’t know if it is possible to fix that.

He flat out told me that I am too young to have these type issues. He said that it was definitely related to the weight loss. I never had any nerve issues when I was a diabetic. I was only one for a couple of years. The surgery and weight loss ended the diabetes… but I will pay for the weight for the rest of my life.  If the muscle and such don’t work then he said. Have them fused or be in a wheel chair. Pretty sobering. He is deadly serious, didn’t sugar coat things which is the best for me.

I am taking a new medicine called Neurontin I have to work up to three 600 mg a day. He said it would be a bit sedating until my body adjusted, and that it should stop the nighttime twitching and jerking. One of the side effects is weight loss … I take one that makes me hungry so I am just hoping to be back to normal…  The other thing he did was up the dose for the hydrocodone.  I am still taking the other meds and frankly I just want to throw the whole thing in the toilet.

I see him again in 6 weeks but he said he would call when he got the records and let me know what he thought was best.

Sigh… I wonder if there IS an answer… it feels like they just add more medicines and hope that it fixes everything. I use the same pharmacy for all the scripts so they will know if things interact.

So that ends today’s episode of the back/hip saga.

There is no lightbulb, there is no magic switch

Most of this comes from my own personal experience and frankly you know the old saying…. takes one to know one… yeah I can totally see it in many.

When I was heavy, before the surgery, I used to think one day I will be thin and healthy. The main thing is that I never had a plan to get there, I assumed that there would be a big AHA moment. I would just suddenly change every single thing I was doing wrong.

I hear people say… Oh, I am getting ready to…. I just waiting for motivation…. I haven’t hit the wall yet… can I just say that those are excuses. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Yes, I have heard people say… well when that doctor told me I was going to have a heart attack and die… well something just clicked and I started to change…. hmm ya think? That is pretty brutal and as I said personal experience. I was told that and so many other things and STILL I was waiting for that magic moment when I would magically change.

I have heard people say… I sat in a chair and it broke! I was so embarrassed that I changed… Ok you were embarrassed and you change for a while but then people forgot and you learned to pick sturdier chairs… yep…

I have heard… I didn’t want to be a fat bride…. so  I dieted like crazy for a few months to have a nice memory …. a year later those pictures you took that day made you sad, because you looked to good but that was 50 pounds ago…..

You get the idea.

People wait for an event, they wait for a lightning strike, they wait for a chair to break or a heart attack to change….

I am here to tell you that it just doesn’t happen! Oh it may work for a while… but it never stays because it was based on an EMOTION! The emotion will fade and when it does… so does the motivation.

You only have lasting change when you want it and you commit to it. How many of those people on the biggest loser regain the weight when the contest is over? How many chubby wives were thin brides?

The point of all of this is YOU have to be your OWN light bulb, magic moment or whatever. YOU have to decide that no matter how you FEEL that day…. it is NOT tied to your body’s NEED of food.  NEED not want.

Stop waiting…. did you hear that Gina? STOP WAITING until tomorrow to take better care of YOU.

Start NOW this meal, this snack, this day!

 

Ok, I am ready to wade in…

I have thought long and hard about WORDS lately. Paula Deene and her troubles are part of the reason I have been thinking.

When you talk about words…. you have to address both sides. The person speaking the words and the one hearing the words.

The Bible has a lot to say about what damage the tongue can do. It tells us to be kind and loving. You know what though most of us don’t think about that before we just blurt out what is on our minds. I am the first to admit that the brake between my brain and mouth is broken, I have hurt people and I have been hurt.

This is the thing… words are what we give them, what meaning. What one person is hurt by another is not. We give the words worth. Now for instance… Paula used a word that I find offensive, BUT look… you  if decide that one word is bad or good based on WHO says it… if you call your buddy something and call it an endearment and then have a cow when someone else does. Do you see what I mean by the word is what we give it?

Now that is the hearer…. we take what is say and we decide if we are going to be hurt or be mad or just think the person is not someone we don’t want to be around.

Now the speaker… I pray all the time that my words will be slow in coming and thoughtful. I am blunt my nature and I know that I have hurt people and made them mad. Most of the time that was not intention.

We are responsible for the words that come out of our mouths. PERIOD. Waiting a few seconds to think….. are my words kind? are they loving…. will they help or will they hurt.

Now I know that there are some people who you just can’t win with… it doesn’t matter what you say really they will find a way to turn it make it hurtful. I think that this society of politically correct nonsense has given people the “right” to take offense over the silliest things.

As the saying goes … Lord put your arm around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth.

May my words go through the God filter….

 

 

 

 

 

Is ignorance really bliss?

My natural tendency is to be on top of things…. news especially, but in other areas as well.

I believe we are influenced by the things or people that we are around. This can be good or bad really.

I have been angry a lot in the last 10 months about things I can not change. I immersed myself in news and if it happened I knew about it. Now that in and of itself isn’t a bad thing but the frustration of not being able to change it is just very destructive to me. I become someone who I don’t want to be, and that is born out of not trusting that God is still running the show.

I can’t talk to one friend and be happy and in a good mood… I talked to favorite friend this morning and it made me happy. I have also talked to others that just bring me down to the ground. I can read comments on statuses and that totally make me angry and I jump in and well the whole day is shot.

I have learned it is just better for me not to do to certain places or be around certain things…. they affect my mood and I don’t want that. I also know that if I seek out the people and places that make me happy that also affects my mood.

I have stated that the government in general relies on us not paying attention to what they are doing, so that they can do whatever they wish. I STILL believe that… mass ignorance is a scary thing. However, all I can do is vote to change it and so I can not live worked up day after day. I still pay attention to the news, but not to the same degree.

I am happier. I know that this world is not my home and I am not the one in charge. So I am more ignorant of the lesser known news.

I recently found out something about a friend that surprised me. It has altered my …. I don’t know.  It changes how I see them. I will not change the relationship, I still love them. However, I wish I didn’t know now what I do.

We do not know when we will die, and I think if we did we would live differently and I think it is a gift that we do not know… that we are ignorant of it.

So the question was…. Is ignorance bliss. I think that yes it is, in many areas. I don’t need to know everything and that is a big step for me, I am a researcher at heart. I am not saying that you should live in denial, of course not. I also think you do have some responsibility as a voting citizen to know what is going on…. but you know…. The basics are enough.

just my thoughts the last few days….