I don’t know what to call this post…

I understand that many of you will simply not understand where I am coming from and that is ok. Bill and I have an old-fashioned marriage. We would fit in the 50s and it is a choice that we have made. It is how our marriage has evolved. We have learned how we fit and how to made our marriage something that we love and makes us happy.

Bill works outside the home. He supports our family. He pays the bills. I have a debit card that loads every two weeks and I use it to buy food and all that we need. If it is something outside the realm of the normal Bill takes care of it. I don’t mean to imply that I am ignorant to our financial situation! We talk about things and I know where we stand on everything. It is simply easier to keep track of things the way we do it. We do everything online so it isn’t like I can just grab the old-fashioned checkbook and head out and know the balance. I am totally good with the way things are set up. Bill has NEVER in all our married life put himself over the family. It just isn’t how he is. Total and complete trust.

My role in all of this is to take care of the home and I take it very seriously. I do what I can to save money… i.e hanging out clothes instead of the drier. Cooking instead of eating out that sort of thing. I know that most won’t get this and that is ok. I get satisfaction out of taking care of my husband. How sad that I have to defend this! I get my identity from what I do in this house. I am made to be a partner to Bill to be his helper and his mate. I admit that I do everything I can for Bill including filling his plate and taking it to him. I do it because I WANT to not because he expects it.

So after all the explaining… this is the thing. On a lot of days I am not able to do all that I want to do for him. I want to say VERY CLEARLY that BILL has said NOTHING. This is all on me. He has even said he doesn’t want to ask for anything because he doesn’t want to make things harder on me. While I love him for that… it hurts. Not being able to do everything that I normally do breaks my heart and it makes me feel less …. This morning and many mornings he tells me to stay in bed and sleep, I am usually so sleepy from medicines that I do. Then I feel so bad the rest of the day that I couldn’t even get up and make him some eggs and toast! I start to feel unworthy and even a burden.

I feel like I have nothing to give in return…

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