I was born ….

I have been asked over the years why I do the things I do. Things that I can simply go to the store and buy. Why I do things the “hard way”… Why I don’t just throw things away.

I have been thinking about that lately.

There are a lot of answers.

First I am not about doing things exactly the same way that people before me did… I use modern stuff.

The big answer is that the way I do things connects me to my granny and my mamaw. I also think that the new ways are not always the best way.

I have a perfectly good dryer and I use it for the under things… I have no desire for my neighbors to see my undies! I use it all winter when it is too cold… but I hang out my clothes when I can. In this case it is because it is just better. I love the way they feel but also it is 100 degrees and my poor ac is working over time… I don’t want the heat of the dryer to make it worse. The other thing is the electricity…. I don’t know how much it saves but it does some. But on the emotional level it is attached to sweet childhood memories and I want to keep those memories and make new ones as Wyatt runs through them and laughs.

I try to preserve foods that come my way. I have done tomatoes like crazy in every form except canning. I DO know how to can, but this year I wanted to try new things and so I froze things and I am now dehydrating things. This is a practical thing and an emotional thing. You do not get vine ripe, tasty tomatoes in the winter. Oh you can buy tomatoes at the store but they really have no taste and they are not the same. I take what I get in the summer and use it in the winter. I do buy jelly and jams simply because I do not have access to a lot of fruit. It is not a good thing to go to the store to buy fruit to can it as jelly. The emotional thing is watching my mamaw slicing  up apples and drying them on a board in the back yard then later on making fried pies! On another note, it allows you to eat in a more healthy way. There are not as many chemicals and preservatives in the stuff that you put up.

I make quilts…. right now it is kinda of the “in” thing to do and people make cute table runners or wall hangings but most don’t make big heavy full size quilts that are made for warmth. I also sew clothes or whatever. I enjoy it and so I do it. I also crochet and make scarfs and throws. Even full size blankets. Obviously I do this for a good reason but when I was a little girl my mamaw had a quilt rack that she kept a work in progress going all the time. It was so awesome because it had ropes and she could lower it to work on it and pull it back up to the ceiling to get it out-of-the-way. My granny also was someone who sewed and also an aunt that I loved. I wore handmade clothes when I was a kid. My granny sewed without a pattern… could just see it and make it. I wish I had that talent.

I cook … I mean from scratch. I don’t mean buying a tub of pulled pork BBQ and heating it up and sticking frozen tator tots in the oven. I don’t have to tell you that it is more natural, healthier, less fat and salt usually. I am not saying we never eat out of course we do! I am just saying that for us it is just better. I have had people come over and share a meal and act like they have never had one… and I guess it is possible that is true. I don’t cook fancy stuff usually… just good home cooking. I come from a long line of great cooks… I do have to modify some because of the amount of oil, and Crisco and lard in stuff. I am a southern woman… we love butter! I don’t use recipes unless I am baking or I am making a fancy meal. The smell of black-eyed peas and cornbread brings me memories of mamaw… and the smell of corn tortilla enchiladas brings me memories of granny.

I LOVE to make bread. Yes, it takes time, but oh it just tastes so much better! There again no chemicals! It is cheaper than bread in the store. An off brand of bread is a couple of bucks now. I don’t have any emotional attachment to making bread. My mamaw made biscuits and cornbread but I don’t recall anyone before me making bread. For me, the kneading is just wonderful, the feel of the dough, the way it rises with that tiny bit of yeast. The smell! I can barely wait til it is cool enough to cut! Slather on some real butter or jam… Heaven! I know that Sam doesn’t like homemade bread and that is ok, but I still hope that one day she will associate the smell of bread with me. I hope that soon I can make little Wyatt pbj sandwiches on it or french toast or cinnamon toast.

I have things that belonged to the women and men before me. I hope that someday when I am gone that I will have left memories of the way I do things. I hope that smells remind wyatt of his mati.  I hope that he and Sam as well, find ways that connect them to others. I hope that I have lived a life that someone would want to find a way to keep a part of me alive through the holding on to the things I have taught them….

This isn’t even the whole of it, just a little explanation of why I do things “the hard way”

 

PS please insert your own commas as needed… my thought process this morning is not great… sorry

Forgiveness for the 1,453,525,533,85th time

Those of you that know me, and have for any length of time know that I struggle with the concept of forgiveness…. both in the giving and receiving. I have studied the Bible so much on this topic. I honestly am not even sure that true forgiveness from me to another human is possible… in that I always remember how much they hurt me and I take that pain out and play with it awhile and I am back where I started.

The Bible is very very clearly that it is expected of us.

I wish that we would forgive like God… As far as the east is from the west, he has removed our transgressions from us. Ps. 103.12 And… For I will forgive forever their wickedness and remember their sin no more. Heb 8:12

Then Jesus was asked how many times we have to forgive others…Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Matthew 18:22

God wants to forgive us… and all we have to do is ask… there is nothing that we can do to earn it. We can’t buy it. We have to humble ourselves before God and ask.

So is that it?

There are verses that say that while He will repeatedly forgive us, He gives other instructions as well. It isn’t that His forgiveness is contingent upon us but He gives us instructions.

The bottom line that I have been trying to get to is this… People will be living in a sinful situation and think that all that they have to do is ask forgiveness and all is ok and they can just keep living that way… forgiveness maybe free to US but it was so so not free!

We think that God has no anger or that there is no end to his patience but that would be a bad mistake… Just think about the flood…. or Sodom and Gonorrhea. Look at what is rapidly coming at us … the judgement.

I am here to tell you that God has no problem removing you from a situation that clouds your relationship with Him! He is way more interested in your eternity that whether you are happy here. He can make you and He can break you… if it make you lean on Him! Don’t believe me? Go read the book of Job then come back and tell me that again.

The Bible talks about how confronting a sinful behavior …. You take the Word and you make it clear that GOD says a behavior is wrong. It doesn’t matter your personal opinion it is all down to God’s law.

No one wants to be told they aren’t living right! You will hear DON’T JUDGE ME LEST YOU BE JUDGED! Matthew 7:1 and yes that is true, However, if it is written in God’s word are you really judging or simply pointing out that God says this or that is wrong. It is amazing really that people who have never cracked open the Bible and can certainly never tell you were it is found can quote it.

Side note…. did you know that even Satan can quote the Bible…. especially to his benefit.

The trouble is that no one wants to remember this …. especially the last line….

So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up[g] and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.” And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience,[h] went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. 10 When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her,[i] “Woman, where are those accusers of yours?[j] Has no one condemned you?”

11 She said, “No one, Lord.”

And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and[k] sin no more.”

John 8 :7-11

It is pretty clear that He wants her to STOP the behavior……

I guess I really have nothing else to say… I will be thinking on this a lot…

Rambling

A couple of things are on my mind today… they are not related in anyway but I just want to write, because that is what I do.

Over the years I have had many men (out of earshot of their wives) tell me that they wished that their wives did things that I do. Baking, sewing, keeping house, cooking…. whatever the topic is. I look at the wife and I think if that is what you wanted why didn’t you marry a woman that was like that? NOW I am not saying that working woman are less!! DO NOT even go there. Many men want wives that work and all of that. I am just saying why didn’t you marry what you wanted, if that is what you want?

Now I will tell you that I spoil Bill and he spoils me. Food is cooking when he comes home. His sandwiches are on homemade bread, his breakfast burrito is with a homemade tortilla. His lunch is packed and ready in the fridge. The house is clean and the laundry is done. I honestly think that many men want this sort of set up but god help a man that says it publicly! That would never fly! I don’t know if there are many women that want to do what I do and that is ok. There is nothing wrong with women that work, I can’t say that enough.

I think that if a couple wants this they have to be prepared for it on both sides and as a couple. The man has to be willing and able to provide for them, and that very well mean that their style of living will be less than if the woman works. The woman has to be prepared to take control of the house and basically the day to day running of the lives of all that live there. I laugh when woman think I don’t work hard… I worked very hard everyday. However, I do think many women don’t do it properly. I admit that I do things that aren’t really called for. Like dehydrating foods that are plentiful of stocking the freezer in the summer. Make bread instead of buying it etc….

I got off topic a bit… but I do think that some men want this to varying degrees. They want to be taken care of by their wives and they want to take care of their families or wives. I believe that God made men and women with certain desires and these are a part of that but that this world has changed the rules.

I truly and deeply, love taking care of my family! I love to do things for my beloved, my kids and my monkey! I love to feed them and send stuff home with them. I know that I am blessed that God put this desire in my heart. I often hear my husband and my kids say… I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t understand that really, I don’t THINK I have ever made them feel that they are a burden in any way. I constantly tell them that they are no that I love doing stuff for them. Many times I even THINK they want something I will do it and then tell them so they don’t have to ask. I love when they want something from me.

Ok enough of that

The other thing… Oddly I was wandering aimlessly around walmart this morning.. usually it is in and out as fast as possible! I was in the less traveled section this morning I guess or maybe the boogie man really did eat all the bad kids… whatever it was quiet.

I looked over and saw winter hats and I sighed… then I ran into the Halloween section… It is easier to let a bit of sadness evade my day some days. This was a challenge to keep out. We live in a world that is so cyclical. I know that the seasons come every year and that we need to have warm clothes and all that stuff… it just seems like the stores and tv and any other way to get to us, just shoves us through life. It is August and 100 degrees is it necessary to have out a knit hat with ear muffins? Again it is Aug and halloween is two months away!

I think that a lot of people have a hard time living in the moment. We either wish we could change the past or we always think things will be better in the future. We are never allowed to live NOW. I am not blaming the stores, it really is up to us to stay in the here and now. I also understand planning ahead. I just think what if  the hats didn’t show up til say nov 1 around here. That is plenty of time to buy it before you need it …. IF you ever need it. What if say the halloween candy didn’t show up until the middle of Oct. What if the Christmas decorations and trees didn’t get put up until after thanksgiving? Look if you want to shop early for Christmas chances are that you are buying stuff that is already on the shelves.

We are just carried and pushed so hard. I just want to stop… I want to stay here and love my family and remember every little thing. I want my heart to take snapshots of my monkey. There is time for Halloween, and knit caps and Christmas in a couple of months. I am getting off the train…

 

Have you seen my head?

I have been joking about the side effects of the newest medicine I am taking. The whole family jokes about it and I played too. I found the forgetfulness annoying but I was trying to deal with it. I am also not able to pull up words that I want to say. I have been having swelling in my hands when I wake up in the morning and some mild swelling all over.

This morning I wanted to get some cash from a debit card and I pulled up to the ATM and I could not recall the PIN number in fact I at that moment I couldn’t recall ANY PIN number on ANY card in my wallet… PINs that I have had for years! I have just used it in the Walmart!

I sat there crying… then fear starts… what if it is more than the medicine… what if there is something wrong with my brain? I am not someone to go looking up my symptoms on WebMD or whatever…

 

I just had a moment of fear… I hope they are few and very far between…

 

August 14, 2013

I am all about taking care of those I love. There is not a thing in this world that I would not do for my loved ones. I love to make big dinners and I love to make my husband breakfast before he leaves for work in the morning and I love having dinner hot and ready when he comes home. He always has a lunch packed every single day. I love when my kids come to my house and I get to cook for them. I even spill over to others and I give them the extra loaf of bread or a few muffins or cookies.

It isn’t just cooking, but that is a big part. I make sure that everyone has clean clothes, and there is always an extra can of shaving cream or bottle of soap. There is always extra diet coke in the house. There is always a clean and orderly house.

Obviously I love my family and take great care of them.

So why can’t I do this for myself? Why do I resist taking the pills at night that knock me out but help with the nerve pain. Why don’t I do the same for myself with food. Why can’t I make myself a simple but decent little meal when I am home alone? I will grab whatever I see … and usually it isn’t the best thing for me. I would never let my monkey eat the junk that I do. Instead of making enough eggs for two in the morning I make enough for Bill because I am not one to eat right out of bed… but when I DO get hungry I do not make myself eggs or the same thing I made for Bill… it isn’t really hard, scrambled eggs and toast. Instead I will grab a pop tart or a piece of bread and jelly about 10 or 11 when I am starving. I will grab a quick piece of bread and turkey.

I rotate the same few outfits, shorts and t-shirts because I figure I am not going anywhere important and I don’t want to wear something that I will destroy. Can you just see me scrubbing toilets or vacuuming in a dress … I may be a good house wife but I am not June cleaver or Donna reed. I don’t put on make up every day, again not going anywhere and really I have never been one to wear it much, only on dress up occasions.

So I have been wondering why I am not as important to ME as they are? I can tell myself the old adage… if you don’t take care of you then you can’t take care of them but I know that is simply not true. I have been proving it for years and years.

I think it goes back to a time with my mother when I always had to earn her attention and love. As long as I take care of them they will love me. How sad.

Plus it also goes to I am not worthy of their love and attention… again mother… she couldn’t love me just because I was me… I was always unworthy of her love.

*cry* I don’t have answers for any of this…. just a painful place I am exploring right now.

Updates

I hate putting details on Facebook about my health. I can put it here and then those that want to know what is going on can read it.

The last couple of weeks I have been waking up with my hands sore and swollen. The soreness is very low on the scale. The swelling is high. My ankles nor any other part of my body is swollen. I can barely make a fist. I will tell you, sadly, my hands look better all plumped up.

As the day wears on the swelling goes down I have been up 2.5 hours I can make a loose fist but the skin feels… stretched. Of course I go to the internet to see what the doctors and “armchair drs” have to say. I don’t like any of the reasons for the swelling. The easiest treatment I saw was drink nothing but water because it could be dehydration… I don’t think that is the case. It might be too much salt… I guess it could be but I haven’t changed anything. The others next is a kidney or liver issue…. not ready to go there yet. There is no injury and if there were it like would only be one hand instead of both. The next one I saw was celiac disease. Thyroid issues ( I have that and have taken meds for it for 20 years so that is not likely, the dosage is checked yearly) the last one is carpel tunnel syndrome.  The scariest issue that I saw was the starting of Rheumatoid arthritis. I just not even going to entertain that at all.

For good measure I checked the side effects of the new medicine.  Nothing at all. Common sense tells me to start with the easiest treatment. Water… nothing but water, this will kill two birds with one stone. If I am dehydrated ( very very Iffy) or have too much salt in my body then it will flush it out. Now I just have to survive the withdrawal headaches.

The other thing,,,, for months I have been clumsy… I fell TWICE in one week not too long ago. The neurologist commented that I am losing my balance as I am unstable in my low back and hips. Strengthening certain muscle will help that some but it is from the nerve damage. I trip over anything, watching me when I first get up you would swear I was drunk. I have decided that this is where all the bruises come from. It is like being the ball in the pinball machine… ping, ping, ping as I go from one thing to the other. The pets are sometimes an issue. If they run in front of me I will sometimes stumble. There is one cat that is stupid… he likes to run right in front of me because he is leading me to his food dish so I will feed him the wet stuff he loves…. ok maybe he is so stupid after all.

I stay as busy as I can, deal with the pain as best I can, Life goes on regardless of what is or isn’t wrong with me.  I will see the nuero again in about 4 weeks and we will go from there.

So lift your glass of water and cheers to still living my life.