I seem to have lost my way.

Let me explain. About a year ago I started to take a medicine that makes me crave sweets. I fought the cravings for a while. I had some pretty serious hip and back pain in the early part of last year and was put on another medicine that helps with the pain, but has a couple of side effects. My hands swell… that makes my knuckles hurt and the arthritis worse. I can’t keep a train of thought and I can’t recall the words I want when I am talking or typing. I often toss in words that don’t make sense at all. I will go back and read something and it makes no sense at all. Often I will see something I posted the day before and don’t recall it. I am fully alert in the moment but, it is looking back that there are gaps.  It also makes me forget where I put things, having to have Sam call my phone so I can find it after looking for it for half an hour. Trying to remember if I have taken meds and oddly enough if I have eaten. Judging by the fact that I am up a size in jeans I am forgetting that I have eating and so I have been doing it again just to be sure. I even have trouble praying. My mind just wanders off, reading the Bible I have to read it like 3-4 times for it to make sense sometimes.

It is cold and I fight depression. We have been sick so much this winter and we are cooped up. I take Vitamin D put it isn’t the same as the sunlight. I don’t tolerate milk so that makes it worse.

I remember feeling good. I remember having energy.

I feel draggy and tired. I have no motivation. I was watching a show about addiction, and that they have a physical need for whatever they are addicted to. I feel that way about sugar. I get up and I think… today I am going to just make it though the day without it. Just one day. By noon I have already given up, so I beat myself up all day.  I just can not seem to help myself. I have never, nor do I now, blame weight gain on a medicine. I ate the sugar. It made me want it, but I made the choice. That medicine doesn’t have 500 calories in, that candy bar does!

I know that part of how I feel is because my body simply doesn’t operate well when there is sugar involved. I KNOW this. So why do I do it to myself? I want to feel good and have energy, yet I can’t do the very thing that would make me feel better.

Since my physical issues are in weight-bearing joints the extra pounds just make things worse.

I just feel so blah. I also know that there are people who have waited years for me to gain some back, so I will save them the trouble I have gained 30 pounds. I know that this is beatable, nothing has changed inside me as to how things are processed… my eating has changed and my activity level has changed. Fear of hurting more is a real fear for me, yet not doing anything and gaining also brings more pain.

If you haven’t figured it out… I am in a catch 22… as I said I have lost my way.

Lost and looking at a huge mountain in my way…

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Submission

A few months ago Gabriel Reese said in an interview that she is submissive to her husband. The media was all over it. In the last few days Candace Cameron  has said the same and the comments to articles about her as so typical of this world.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5 22-24

The Bible makes it pretty clear. The chain of command is God… then Christ… then the husband… and then the wife. So many people misunderstand what this means, and frankly I think many do it on purpose. They want to paint a picture of the woman as some sort of slave. They want to make the woman a doormat. Nothing could be further than the truth! It means that you discuss the issue and ultimately the man should be praying about it along with the wife and then he makes the decision based on what is best for the family as a whole. Ultimately the man is the one that answers to God for this not the wife. If a woman truly loves her husband she will not make things harder on him by pouting or fighting, or competing with him.

Women have decided, then raised girls to believe that they are the same, or BETTER than men. So being submissive to a man is insulting to them. They have basically told men they are not needed. The thing is that women are as good as men, but they are DIFFERENT than men. They are physically different on many levels. Many of the things that make us women are looked down on by the modern woman. The all-consuming love of your children and the way you want to nurture them, the way that we feel the need to make a home, the way we want a peaceful home. God intended women to be partner of men and thus to fit like a puzzle… each one having what the other does not.

God is also clear on the man’s part in this.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7

The husband is supposed to honor you, that means to treat you right! To listen to you. It says that if a husband does not that it will stand in the way of a full and clear praying relationship with God. Now back to the first verse I shared, the chain of command… if the husband doesn’t treat the wife in the way he should the he answers to God. There is a burden there.

Now for this to work in the way God intends the wife has to submit, but the husband must set aside his selfish self and do the best thing. Both partners must do their part, sadly it seems that it doesn’t happen often. I think that few women have seen it in action in a way that it works, so they get the idea that it is slavery for women. I am so glad when I look at my daughter’s marriage that she learned something along the way.

I was once one of the scoffers. I was 16 and dating Bill. Bill’s mother was very controlling and her best friend taught my Sunday night class at church. She would make it personal … Gina you will have to SUBMIT to Bill and do what he tells you and when and why and how…. on and on. As you can imagine that went over like a ton of bricks. I have learned a lot in the nearly 29 years we have been married. I learned there is power in meekness, there is a power in serving, there is power in standing back and watching Bill be the man God intends. Bill seeks God’s word and God’s will. He makes the decisions after we talk about them, because he wants to be in God’s will. If you  strive to be the woman God, wants the husband will want to protect you, and treat you like treasure. He will cherish you.

It is sad to see what the world thinks. It is sad to see the world rip apart Christians. This is the reason that God says

If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.  John 15:19

In the grand scheme of things, count it as good if the world despises you.

 

Change of thought

So yesterday I was talking to both Bill and also to a sweet Christian friend about Romans 7 and how we are born with a sinful nature and how when we are saved we receive the Holy Spirit. These two halves will fight each other for as long as we live in the present form. Paul, who wrote Romans, talks about how he wants to be good but that he is unable and how the things he despises are the things he does.

The more time we spend with God the easier it is to say no to the evil and the less time we spend it is easier to do bad things without guilt.

The Bible makes it very clear that there is no way we can earn our Salvation. Period. It also is clear that the things that we do to try to be good in his sight do not impress him. Only the things done in us through Christ matter.

When you are a Christian and in fellowship with God, your life should show it. It bears fruit as the Bible says. The fruits of the Spirit are: love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. So, the more time you spend with Christ, the more these things should be a part of who you are.

Now to the point… I have blogged the last two times about how I feel that I am eating because I feel vulnerable and need protection…. It all centered on how *IIIIII* was going to do that which I see as good! I have been warring with myself. In fact I been since I was a little girl. I am saying that in order to be stronger and be able to say no to a destructive behavior I need help. That helps come from God. If I ask Him and I LET Him, he will help heal the hurts that are at the root of this.

It is so like us…. we think we are so in control. We think it is all about us and what we can and must do! We think we can do it all by ourselves thank you very much.

I want those Fruits of the spirit to show in my life. I want my tree to bear more fruit. I am tired of the sinful, human part of me winning more than it should… in order for that to stop I need to let Him work on me. After all He IS the Great Physician!

 

 

Choices

It is easy to simply say that life is about choices. Every single day we make choices… what to wear, what to eat, where to go and how to get there. We choose our words, often without thinking. We choose everything, and most of it is so engrained in us that we do it without thought.

There are other choices that we make that require not only thought but action. There are things that we choose to change about ourselves. Those things often require carefully thought out choices.

I am making a conscious decision to trust God and fear less. For me at this time it is HUGE. It is a conscious choice every time I want to eat to create a buffer (food and therefore weight) I am thinking about what I am doing. I want to change and change doesn’t happen on its own. A rock rolling down a hill will only change direction when it meets another rock or tree root. I used to just let life happen to me, thinking oh one day things will be better… but I never put thought or action into getting there.

Getting to where I want to be means that everyday for a long time I will be making the choice over and over all day long.

Life is CHOICES … where are your choices leading you?

 

Long time no write…

It has been a while. I got away from writing things that I needed to get out and I have been … eating them to be honest. I cannot let the things that I carry inside control how I live. I pray and I try each day to do better and lean on God, but to be honest I seem to lose far more days than I win. I got too far from God in my anger over losing my baby. I can carry a grudge a long time… 8 years on this one. Anyway it is hard for me, not God as He never left me but I ignored him until the last year or so.

I used to trust and turn to Him so easily. To pray without ceasing. To lean on and call on Him. I will be honest it is taking me a while to have that be my first response to things again.

As I have said, rather than write and pray, I am eating too much and things I should not. I know myself, I am NOT dealing is what is happening. I always used my weight to protect me. I sometimes feel after the loss I feel vulnerable turning back to God. I am trying to protect myself again. Sitting here crying because I just figured this out!

Most of you know this… after wanting and trying for more children for years we eventually accepted that God only wanted us to have one child… then I got pregnant. Our daughter was in her first year of college and excited wasn’t even close to what we were… God took that baby. To me that was cruel, why do that? It was just mean, it seemed. I decided he wasn’t going to hurt me again, so I turned away.

I need time to ponder this because it just clicked as I was writing.

I feel that I am in a situation in which I am in over my head. I feel that someone is turning to me for guidance and I am inadequate. I want so much to give Godly advice but I am emotional vested on so many levels. I want to be careful not to let my situation with people that we are both connected to color my advice. On the other hand, I feel that he is being … treated badly by the people because they hate me. I am truly humbled and, well I feel that I am not a good source. I just want to love and that is all. Sigh… praying.

Things in our house have been kind of … out of sorts for a while. Thanksgiving then time off then sick and sick and Christmas and New year and now I am kinda sick and I feel a bit beaten down. I hope I never complain about be bored from the same old same old again.

Christmas was a bit sad, I guess people do not send cards much anymore, a few do but everyone used to. I did my favorite thing… random acts of kindness that was fun. We spent Christmas morning and day with the kids and it was sweet to see Wyatt learn about Santa. I don’t know I guess it just seems people are more caught up in their own  things every year.

I know that I have a lot of work ahead and even more prayer if there will be a change in me. That is what I plan to do… pray hard, learn more and take better care of myself. Looking at things now it seem so silly to be afraid to trust God, who became a man and then was beaten and died FOR ME. I do not know why God did what He did… but He does.

Enough rambling for now