It has been a while. I got away from writing things that I needed to get out and I have been … eating them to be honest. I cannot let the things that I carry inside control how I live. I pray and I try each day to do better and lean on God, but to be honest I seem to lose far more days than I win. I got too far from God in my anger over losing my baby. I can carry a grudge a long time… 8 years on this one. Anyway it is hard for me, not God as He never left me but I ignored him until the last year or so.
I used to trust and turn to Him so easily. To pray without ceasing. To lean on and call on Him. I will be honest it is taking me a while to have that be my first response to things again.
As I have said, rather than write and pray, I am eating too much and things I should not. I know myself, I am NOT dealing is what is happening. I always used my weight to protect me. I sometimes feel after the loss I feel vulnerable turning back to God. I am trying to protect myself again. Sitting here crying because I just figured this out!
Most of you know this… after wanting and trying for more children for years we eventually accepted that God only wanted us to have one child… then I got pregnant. Our daughter was in her first year of college and excited wasn’t even close to what we were… God took that baby. To me that was cruel, why do that? It was just mean, it seemed. I decided he wasn’t going to hurt me again, so I turned away.
I need time to ponder this because it just clicked as I was writing.
I feel that I am in a situation in which I am in over my head. I feel that someone is turning to me for guidance and I am inadequate. I want so much to give Godly advice but I am emotional vested on so many levels. I want to be careful not to let my situation with people that we are both connected to color my advice. On the other hand, I feel that he is being … treated badly by the people because they hate me. I am truly humbled and, well I feel that I am not a good source. I just want to love and that is all. Sigh… praying.
Things in our house have been kind of … out of sorts for a while. Thanksgiving then time off then sick and sick and Christmas and New year and now I am kinda sick and I feel a bit beaten down. I hope I never complain about be bored from the same old same old again.
Christmas was a bit sad, I guess people do not send cards much anymore, a few do but everyone used to. I did my favorite thing… random acts of kindness that was fun. We spent Christmas morning and day with the kids and it was sweet to see Wyatt learn about Santa. I don’t know I guess it just seems people are more caught up in their own things every year.
I know that I have a lot of work ahead and even more prayer if there will be a change in me. That is what I plan to do… pray hard, learn more and take better care of myself. Looking at things now it seem so silly to be afraid to trust God, who became a man and then was beaten and died FOR ME. I do not know why God did what He did… but He does.
Enough rambling for now