I seem to have lost my way.

Let me explain. About a year ago I started to take a medicine that makes me crave sweets. I fought the cravings for a while. I had some pretty serious hip and back pain in the early part of last year and was put on another medicine that helps with the pain, but has a couple of side effects. My hands swell… that makes my knuckles hurt and the arthritis worse. I can’t keep a train of thought and I can’t recall the words I want when I am talking or typing. I often toss in words that don’t make sense at all. I will go back and read something and it makes no sense at all. Often I will see something I posted the day before and don’t recall it. I am fully alert in the moment but, it is looking back that there are gaps.  It also makes me forget where I put things, having to have Sam call my phone so I can find it after looking for it for half an hour. Trying to remember if I have taken meds and oddly enough if I have eaten. Judging by the fact that I am up a size in jeans I am forgetting that I have eating and so I have been doing it again just to be sure. I even have trouble praying. My mind just wanders off, reading the Bible I have to read it like 3-4 times for it to make sense sometimes.

It is cold and I fight depression. We have been sick so much this winter and we are cooped up. I take Vitamin D put it isn’t the same as the sunlight. I don’t tolerate milk so that makes it worse.

I remember feeling good. I remember having energy.

I feel draggy and tired. I have no motivation. I was watching a show about addiction, and that they have a physical need for whatever they are addicted to. I feel that way about sugar. I get up and I think… today I am going to just make it though the day without it. Just one day. By noon I have already given up, so I beat myself up all day.  I just can not seem to help myself. I have never, nor do I now, blame weight gain on a medicine. I ate the sugar. It made me want it, but I made the choice. That medicine doesn’t have 500 calories in, that candy bar does!

I know that part of how I feel is because my body simply doesn’t operate well when there is sugar involved. I KNOW this. So why do I do it to myself? I want to feel good and have energy, yet I can’t do the very thing that would make me feel better.

Since my physical issues are in weight-bearing joints the extra pounds just make things worse.

I just feel so blah. I also know that there are people who have waited years for me to gain some back, so I will save them the trouble I have gained 30 pounds. I know that this is beatable, nothing has changed inside me as to how things are processed… my eating has changed and my activity level has changed. Fear of hurting more is a real fear for me, yet not doing anything and gaining also brings more pain.

If you haven’t figured it out… I am in a catch 22… as I said I have lost my way.

Lost and looking at a huge mountain in my way…


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