Born for a different time

I was reading an interview from an actress with small kids. She is a few years younger than me, but has small kids. I think that in that career most women and men are more self-centered than the average person. The thing that worries me is that a lot of women that are searching for peace or view points are reading this sort of thing and thinking… OH, that is what I am missing. I think that the men and women in ANY sort of … impressionable work has to stop and think about how what they say can have too much weight for some readers. Yes, they say… oh, I am not a role model. Yes, you are, like it or not. If you are being interviewed that means that magazine thinks you have something to say that will make a difference.

So back to this interview. She talks about her self in terms of her kids. She says that she hates the word nanny so she uses babysitter. I think that that word is the difference to her of feeling guilty or not. Nanny means she isn’t raising her kids the nanny is. The word babysitter means, oh, well we like to have a night out once in a while. See the difference?

I wouldn’t think too much about the above but she goes on to talk about how women become mothers and stop being themselves. That she went on facebook and ALL the mothers have pictures of their kids as their profile and that all their stuff is kid centered. She says all of this as though it is a terminal disease or something. That becoming the BEST mom and wife you can be means that you are … not YOU anymore. This makes me sad.

There are people out there that think you can grow a baby under your heart, give it life in pain, fall hopelessly and helplessly in love the second you see those tiny eyes, that you can put every waking second into keeping them alive for months on end. That you can feed it from your own body, say MAMA and DADA 20 million times so they will FINALLY say something. That you can play peek a boo all day for a SINGLE smile, that you can dance and make up songs just so they will laugh and that you will sit and rock them for hours when they are sick. That you do this and then you just up and go back to what or who you were….

I know that staying home with your kids isn’t for everyone, and I know it isn’t possible for everyone. However to assume that women must go right back to what they were doing before their kids is just wrong. Suppose, if you will, that a woman WANTS to JUST be a mom and wife… that that is enough for her, why is that put down? Why can’t their be a medium? Why can’t they love their kids just as much and be a MODIFIED version of who they were? Not the same but there are still part of them there, but that their priorities change.

Again, I understand who this is coming from and that there is a need to have huge amounts of attention if  you go into that line of work. Having kids and staying home would never give her the feedback and adoration she so obviously wants. One of these days, she will run out of parts and money and fame … she will have missed all the cute things and the singing silly songs, and finger painting and fishing hot wheels out of the flour, and the hugs and kisses and hand holding. Those don’t keep … THOSE are the things we should work for, to try to be worthy of.

Focus

I am nearsighted… in fact I am very nearsighted. I can only see things that are right in front of my face.  Oh, I have 20/20 vision.

So many days I can not see past the things of this world. I cannot see Heaven and God through the pain and suffering of this world. I cannot see God’s plan through the frustration of this world. When I look at this world, this government and where we are headed, I only see evil. It is hard for me not to let anger take over. VERY. HARD.

I have admitted it before that it hurts me less to be angry than to feel what I really feel… helpless and alone. Oh, I don’t mean that my family has skipped out or anything like that… it is just that at times it feels like God has packed up and left us to our own misery.

The thing is, I know that things must pass. It is in the Word. God wants to comfort me. He wants me to lean on Him. He wants me to know that while it may not look like it to my human eyes, He is still in charge. He wants me to grow my faith, He wants me to remember that this life is NOT all there is. He wants me to remember that I am a SOUL and HIS CHILD and that this life is only a vapor in time.

I am human though, and I lose sight of the things that are eternal. I forget that it doesn’t matter what happens to this body, that He will be there to welcome me to my TRUE and ETERNAL home.

The eternal is so much better than the present, so why do I have so much trouble focusing on that? I think it is because it is something that we can’t see and feel… it isn’t on the tv news, it isn’t online it isn’t REAL to my human mind… if that makes sense. I am not doubting it is there! It is the faith thing… it takes strong faith to life your eyes past the present and look up to a place that you can’t see.

I admit that fear is a real part of things in this…. as I child I had preachers up there screaming and pacing and telling of all these horrible things. Things that I wouldn’t have believed would EVER come to pass. Even 10 years ago I would have said that will never happen in this country… well it is happening.

Anger is tangible… it is a FEELING… fear is a FEELING. Faith is a quiet inner knowing that there are things that we can’t see but know are there. It is letting go of CONTROL. Fear and anger give a false sense of control… you think you are doing something.

So for me it is a constant battle to focus on what I know in my heart is true, and not focus on the things of a world that is evil and will pass away. God has not asked me to help Him in the ways things are playing out, but He has asked me to FEAR NOT and to BELIEVE.

Today I am going to focus on the things of Heaven.

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. Colossians 3:2 

 

 

A whole lot of misc…

I have been thinking a lot lately … about a lot of things. I just haven’t taken the time to write much.

For those that don’t know… I got a dehydrator about a month ago and I have been having a blast. I LOVE to learn new stuff. I have been making jerky and soup stuffs that all you have to do is add water and simmer. I have made my monkey a lot of dehydrated marshmallows. All great fun. Bill is trying to cut way back on carbs so I miss making bread so I guess this fills the void.

Most of you know about the ongoing soap opera of trying figure out why I hurt so bad in my back and hip. I saw a neurologist in January… he did tests and said yes it is nerve issues gave me some meds and then stopped coming here. Fast forward to about 2 months ago and another neurologist and he did tests and commented that my toes and the way I walk also spoke to nerve damage… more meds which frankly I hated. I went to the same one on friday and now suddenly it isn’t nerves if has to be structural…. and the hip is going downhill as to arthritis. Sigh… I don’t know what else to do. He referred me to a spine doctor so I guess I will go see what they can come up with. I give you a refresher run down of this because frankly being in pain is exhausting and I can very easily become a mean monster.

So these are my thoughts….

Paul wrote the book Philippians (and others) in the Bible. It was stated over the course of his letters to the early church that he had “a thorn in his flesh” He repeatedly asks God to take it from him. The Bible never says what it is, but that God didn’t see it as a hindrance to Paul and in fact used it to teach him. Paul continued to serve God even tho he didn’t get what he wanted from God. So while I am never going to be the servant to God that Paul was, I think that for whatever reason God doesn’t want this pain to leave me at this time. I can imagine how that might look to a non believer…. God just wants me to hurt! LOL that isn’t the case. The pain is there to teach me a lesson… It is there to help me remember that this body and this life is temporary. He is much more concerned with my eternal soul than the pain here. Does that mean that God is there laughing at my pain? No. He comforts me. He teaches me to rely on Him and to keep my eyes on Him.  That is the read I am getting at this point …. that whatsoever situation I may find myself that I can be content and to even still be happy.

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I have noticed that there are two kinds of people in the world… and very few that may be in the middle.

There are those that take responsibility for things… it is ALWAYS someone else that is at fault.

Then there are those that think every thing is their fault.

Isn’t it odd? Sadly in this day and age it is much easier to blame others. Just for today listen and see how many times you hear… it’s not your fault. You weigh too much?? not your fault. You owe the government taxes and didn’t pay now they are after you?? no your fault! Your dog got run over in the road? not your fault that he was running loose! I am serious people think this.

Then there are those that apologize for things that they had nothing to do with.  You pulled out in front of me and there was no way to avoid a fender bender… oh I am sorry it must be my fault.

This is a situation I was privy to this last week. We live in the country… most people out here have dogs. We and most people have fences and our dogs are safe. There is one person that gets puppy after puppy and something always happens to it. Before it goes away it will usually wreck havock … tear up stuff, fight with other dogs and goes where it has no business. The family has little kids. My poor neighbor is usually the main target of the dog. The family in question HAS a fenced yard but they are too lazy to get out of their car and close the large gate across the driveway. Now she wants to call animal control to come get the puppy before something happens. She hesitates because she doesn’t want to do that to the kids…. I told her she isn’t doing it to the kids… the PARENTS are! The lady with the puppy will blame my neighbor…. do you see how messed up that is. The person that IS to blame won’t take responsibility and the one that ISN’T to blame does! Makes me crazy!

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Have you ever been presented with a social situation that you just have NO idea how to handle? Something that just makes you so uncomfortable and yet sheer morbid curiosity makes you see it out? I am blunt and to the point, that doesn’t always make for good small talk lol. I seems that some people enjoy those little games… things that I outgrew. I don’t want to jump the gun ,,, just let it play out and above all guard my heart and feelings….

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I really don’t want to do anything today… It is funny it seems like when I say that people say… well don’t, you are home do it tomorrow. Maybe I am different from others that stay home but everyday I WORK. I do laundry, I vacuum, I sweep, I change beds, I cook … on and on and that is my job. I would never say to someone who works in the office to just blow it off and do nothing. Besides, in my life I have to do stuff everyone and if I don’t then it is more to do tomorrow.

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It seems like so many people who I care about are hurting. They hurt mentally, physically and emotionally. I am here. More importantly God is here. I love each one of you and I pray for you daily.

 

 

 

Old… or not?

I have been thinking about this for a while and today especially.

You know some days I FEEL old. My body has been abused more than it should be for my age. I have pain and sometimes it curtails what I can do.

So I guess in that area I feel old.

Oh sometimes when I hear a song on the oldies station it jars me a bit, but then I giggle and sing along. Oh I shake my head at much of what the younger people do and think and believe ( I think every generation does). I think that young women have no modesty… I think young men should pull up their pants. Still those are my opinions and I think I would have thought the same way when I was a young woman. I remember being about 15 when a mini skirt phase hit and we couldn’t wear them to school let alone shorts… and flip flops or thongs. Mr. Presswood or Mr. Underwood would have met you at the door!

I guess all the things that make others feel old I just laugh off.

I honestly don’t mind aging. (other than the pain) I am posting a picture of me taken tonight after my bath. My face was washed with plain old dove, my face hasn’t seem makeup in I don’t remember when. My hair hasn’t been colored in years.

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I DO kinda look like a crazed serial killer though…

You see… my husband came to me and he said… you were the wife of my youth. I want to grow old with you, I want to see the gray in your hair that matches mine. I think the gray in his hair… when he isn’t bald… is wonderful! I love the gray in his beard. He is mine and I am his. We met at 13… so we have seen it all together. We decided we would see wrinkles together… I know in the wedding vows you say… in sickness and in health… but they never say in gray hair and wrinkles, in sagging butts and boobs.

We spend so much time and energy fighting time. Fighting getting older when we should be thankful for the years that we get to love our families, the time to rock our grandbabies.

My whole world rest in the black eyes of a 2.5 year boy. To him I am wonderful, he asks for me, he runs straight to me, we are best buddies. I promise you that he does not care what I look like. He just knows I am his Mati.

To God, I am his beloved daughter, and I promise you… he doesn’t care what I look like.

I guess my point is, that to me, I just am ok when a little lotion on my dry face and a little chapstick on my lips as I run out the door to go with my beloved somewhere.

I just BE.

 

So I had been posting a daily log on facebook. I had a good week, and a not so good week. I didn’t post an update at all yesterday.

I have been trying to go mostly protein, cutting out sweets and breads. It is hard for me as I crave the sugar.

I am a creature of habit. I am happiest at home with things going in the way they are supposed to. I simply get stressed when they don’t. The last week or so at my house has been anything but normal. Bill’s work caused a mess up in sleep patterns for us both. There have been health issues in our home, and I am worried about the constant aching in my fingers and hands and the swelling each morning. I am worried that it is arthritis, I already have it in my back and hips. I worry that this is something that God will ask of me, and I would want it just about anywhere but my hands. My hands that plays cars with wyatt and hangs out clothes in the sun and makes cookies and bread. I will talk to the neurologist on Friday to see if it could possibly be connected to the other stuff.  If he says no I will see another doctor to find out why they ache so bad.

As you can imagine I am not feeling calm and organized. I am still trying to eat sensibly. I am giving myself a break here in that I am trying to eat things that aren’t that bad for me. I am trying to limit the amount and how much I eat. I am very active in my house all day so I am not worried so much about exercise. I put on a pair of capris today that I really thought would be too tight to wear out of the house and they actually fit perfect so that was a bright spot.

 

It is not that I have decided to blow it all off, it is that right now I just think trying to be reasonable is the best way to go about this.

 

I guess that is all… thanks for reading

The battle of the bulge

In January I was put on a medicine for nerve damage. After about a month it really hit me that pretty much all I wanted was something sweet… cake, pie, muffins, cookies and I never said no to bread!

Now I will NOT say that the medicine made me gain but it gave me cravings that I did not fight very hard… I am a baker and that is a BAD BAD combo. I am to blame because I CHOSE to eat those things. The saddest part of this is that it made me feel terrible! I had blood sugar drops and carbs crashes and well you know. Because of the surgery I do not do well with sugar and I don’t absorb enough of the food to be healthy if I am just eating junk.

Sooo…

Eight months later I need to lose 20 pounds. I had Bill and Sam fussing that I was too thin before and frankly Bill likes the extra weight… I have uh hum filled out.

So why is it a problem then you ask. Well first off I don’t need the extra weight on my low back and hip. That is the main reason. Then there is the whole, I refuse to buy new jeans! I LIKE my jeans and I WILL wear them this winter.  I HATE to buy jeans and pants. I am small in the waist and I have hips so.. you can guess there is a gap in the back… my normal jeans don’t do that.

The last one is .. it scares the hell out of me. I was so big and I do not want to go back there. Period. For a long time I didn’t worry about my weight I had stabilized and it was great! I was eating better food then tho, not junk.

Today is day 2 of NO SUGAR! low carb diet.  I only got through yesterday because I was distracted and sheer stubbornness. Then of course I couldn’t sleep so at 11 o clock I had to get up and have a boiled egg.

I have developed some bad habits. The WORST is laying in bed at night reading and having a snack … goldfish, grapes, whatever we happen to have. That was hard last night to not have anything.

I have never faced this really… I have no way of knowing what % of calories I absorb so I have to watch the scale to monitor the rate of loss. I was hungry a couple of times yesterday and ate eggs and cheddar so I may need to eat more often…

This is a learning thing for me. At least this time I think it is a craving thing and not a mental thing trying to hide.

I was born ….

I have been asked over the years why I do the things I do. Things that I can simply go to the store and buy. Why I do things the “hard way”… Why I don’t just throw things away.

I have been thinking about that lately.

There are a lot of answers.

First I am not about doing things exactly the same way that people before me did… I use modern stuff.

The big answer is that the way I do things connects me to my granny and my mamaw. I also think that the new ways are not always the best way.

I have a perfectly good dryer and I use it for the under things… I have no desire for my neighbors to see my undies! I use it all winter when it is too cold… but I hang out my clothes when I can. In this case it is because it is just better. I love the way they feel but also it is 100 degrees and my poor ac is working over time… I don’t want the heat of the dryer to make it worse. The other thing is the electricity…. I don’t know how much it saves but it does some. But on the emotional level it is attached to sweet childhood memories and I want to keep those memories and make new ones as Wyatt runs through them and laughs.

I try to preserve foods that come my way. I have done tomatoes like crazy in every form except canning. I DO know how to can, but this year I wanted to try new things and so I froze things and I am now dehydrating things. This is a practical thing and an emotional thing. You do not get vine ripe, tasty tomatoes in the winter. Oh you can buy tomatoes at the store but they really have no taste and they are not the same. I take what I get in the summer and use it in the winter. I do buy jelly and jams simply because I do not have access to a lot of fruit. It is not a good thing to go to the store to buy fruit to can it as jelly. The emotional thing is watching my mamaw slicing  up apples and drying them on a board in the back yard then later on making fried pies! On another note, it allows you to eat in a more healthy way. There are not as many chemicals and preservatives in the stuff that you put up.

I make quilts…. right now it is kinda of the “in” thing to do and people make cute table runners or wall hangings but most don’t make big heavy full size quilts that are made for warmth. I also sew clothes or whatever. I enjoy it and so I do it. I also crochet and make scarfs and throws. Even full size blankets. Obviously I do this for a good reason but when I was a little girl my mamaw had a quilt rack that she kept a work in progress going all the time. It was so awesome because it had ropes and she could lower it to work on it and pull it back up to the ceiling to get it out-of-the-way. My granny also was someone who sewed and also an aunt that I loved. I wore handmade clothes when I was a kid. My granny sewed without a pattern… could just see it and make it. I wish I had that talent.

I cook … I mean from scratch. I don’t mean buying a tub of pulled pork BBQ and heating it up and sticking frozen tator tots in the oven. I don’t have to tell you that it is more natural, healthier, less fat and salt usually. I am not saying we never eat out of course we do! I am just saying that for us it is just better. I have had people come over and share a meal and act like they have never had one… and I guess it is possible that is true. I don’t cook fancy stuff usually… just good home cooking. I come from a long line of great cooks… I do have to modify some because of the amount of oil, and Crisco and lard in stuff. I am a southern woman… we love butter! I don’t use recipes unless I am baking or I am making a fancy meal. The smell of black-eyed peas and cornbread brings me memories of mamaw… and the smell of corn tortilla enchiladas brings me memories of granny.

I LOVE to make bread. Yes, it takes time, but oh it just tastes so much better! There again no chemicals! It is cheaper than bread in the store. An off brand of bread is a couple of bucks now. I don’t have any emotional attachment to making bread. My mamaw made biscuits and cornbread but I don’t recall anyone before me making bread. For me, the kneading is just wonderful, the feel of the dough, the way it rises with that tiny bit of yeast. The smell! I can barely wait til it is cool enough to cut! Slather on some real butter or jam… Heaven! I know that Sam doesn’t like homemade bread and that is ok, but I still hope that one day she will associate the smell of bread with me. I hope that soon I can make little Wyatt pbj sandwiches on it or french toast or cinnamon toast.

I have things that belonged to the women and men before me. I hope that someday when I am gone that I will have left memories of the way I do things. I hope that smells remind wyatt of his mati.  I hope that he and Sam as well, find ways that connect them to others. I hope that I have lived a life that someone would want to find a way to keep a part of me alive through the holding on to the things I have taught them….

This isn’t even the whole of it, just a little explanation of why I do things “the hard way”

 

PS please insert your own commas as needed… my thought process this morning is not great… sorry